Better Sex

More Adventurous, Romantic and Satisfying Sex

by Sexpert Dr. Diana Wiley (View more articles - Print Article)

If you are in a relationship, I promise this article ought to insure an increased frequency in sex and the quality of it. There are things to know about your sexuality as a couple that will increase the interest and enjoyment of any sexual encounter for both of you. So, I'd like to offer you some tips to get you in orbit.

FOREPLAY BEGINS BEFORE YOU WALK IN THE DOOR!
For a number of men, foreplay may begin ten minutes before intercourse. For women, it helps enormously if foreplay begins before you walk in the door that night. That does not mean that you fondle her breasts before you take off your coat! What it means is that you can't expect to not speak to her during the day, watch television all night, turn off the TV, and then and only then  turn your attention to her! Women need emotional foreplay.

Many men compartmentalize. They are able to watch a ballgame, jump up and down over the final point, turn off the TV, and then get an erection.

For men who want to make love to women, it's helpful to know that women don't work this way. We have overall experiences although this doesn't mean we don't enjoy the occasional quickie. It's like the old joke about men going to a mall to buy something, and women going to a mall to experience the mall.

For women, her partner's behavior from the moment he walks in the door is noteworthy (and even earlier than that for example, if he called from work to say "Hi" all of this constitutes foreplay.

What are some moves that can pave the way from a logical transition of the day into a sexually charged night?
  • During dinner, play footsies under the table.
  • Take her wrist and kiss the inside near her pulse.
  • When she's doing the dishes, come up behind her & kiss the back of her neck-- putting your arms around her.
  • Without saying a word, run a warm bubbly bath with favorite smelling potion, light candles, & play music.
  • Massage your partner with exotic oils -- Shop together for scents you like best.
  • Invite her to cuddle, telling her you want to be near her.
  • Hold her hand -- often!
  • Hug your partner unexpectedly-- and look deeply into her eyes.
  • Surprise her with something she never expected.
  • Guys: serenade her with your draws down!

The key is that before bedtime, don't forget to touch her, hug her, and keep in contact with her during the evening.

After a few sessions with one of my couples, he called her at work to say he couldn't wait to see her that night and he was making dinner. When she came home, he was serving hors d'oeuvres in an apron and that was all!

As for men's foreplay, just because you wake up aroused and ready, just because you climb into bed at night aroused and ready, doesn't mean that you guys don't appreciate mental and physical foreplay. (There are morning differences: when men wake up with hard-ons, his woman might wonder: How can you want me the way I look? And he responds: Because I can't see you. I have no blood anywhere near my optic nerve!

Men, glorious men, love foreplay -- including foreplay that goes straight to their groin -- hinting of pleasures to come! Most men will report that the longer the sex play, the more intense their orgasm.

So, make your foreplay verbal, visual, kinesthetic, and even more erotic than romantic.

HINTS – ESPECIALLY FOR WOMEN

  • Bite him lightly on the back of the neck when he isn't expecting it.
  • Run your hands over your body while he watches.
  • At a moment he doesn't expect it, take his hand and put it underneath your blouse or skirt.
  • Surprise him with a sexy porn video.
  • Leave an explicit, erotic note in his briefcase -- telling him what he can expect when he comes home that night. (And, do not tack on the end a reminder to pick up the bread & milk on the way home from work!).

IN GENERAL:

Women respond positively to the written word. That's why we buy romance novels. And, it is true that some (more evolved) women like the kind of erotic stuff more often preferred by men: visual, earthy, right to the point.

Find out if your partner prefers romantic erotica or sex erotica. You don't have to make your (valentine?) note long, and it's not a competition. But, pen a scene of your own, and read it aloud.

One of the nicest things about penning your own erotica is that don't have to be those perfect bodies we see in the videos -- the ones we'll never have! You can say, for example: When Joe lifted his strong, found frame, brushing his pot-belly over Melinda.

Here's another suggestion: Give redeemable coupons for erotic pleasures. Is there something your partner has told you that she can't get enough of? Well, make up a few coupons she can redeem when she wants. An example: This coupon entitles the bearer to 20 minutes of uninterrupted oral sex. This coupon is not transferable. Or, This coupon entitles the bearer to a hot oil massage -- lasting one hour. This coupon cannot be used until the kids are asleep.

OTHER TIPS FOR BETTER SEX:

Take a tip from the animal kingdom: first kill all your competitors -- just kidding!

In the bird kingdom, females choose a male by watching who builds the best nest, who finds the best branches, the finest twigs, the most shapely bough.

This is encoded in our genes! Therefore, it seems to me, you can capitalize on biology by taking a few tips from the birds!

Turn your bedroom into a Love Nest

  • Take the photos of Mom, Dad, Rover, and the little pumpkins out of the bedroom -- and put out photos of the two of you when you were totally smitten with each other.
  • Keep a drawer with lotions, vibrators, lubes, magazines, erotica -- whatever the two of you find sexy!

Feed her strawberries, pour her a drink --- and hold the glass to her lips. Anthropological studies show that when she takes food from your hand, she's yours.

Believe me, the key aspect for women is that we need to feel as if we aren't an afterthought. We need to feel that you might have thought about us during the day, and how we might be special.

Sex, just like love, blossoms in a relationship because people work at it! They learn each other's bodies -- they explore each other's fantasies -- they tell their secrets.

A final word: for women, talk is the way into sex. For men, sex is the way into talk. It is a truth: men's emotional life opens through sex. Happy openings -- emotional and sexual!

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Author Profile

Dr. Diana Wiley, has been a Board-Certified Sex Therapist, diplomat of the American Board of Sexology, a clinical Sexologist, and a licensed marriage and family therapist for over 20 years. Her extensive professional experience and views on sex and the erotic make her a true sex guru and evangelist, and her versatility and breadth of expertise have brought with them numerous spots on national television and radio programs—including her own popular broadcast, Live With Dr. Diana. She can be reached at DrDiana@sbcglobal.net.

For more on Dr. Diana Wiley please visit www.DrDianaWiley.com