Adoption Decisions

Is Open or Closed Adoption Best For You?

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Dating Tips and Advice

Q: Dear April Masini,

I am currently pregnant and am planning on putting my baby up for adoption. However, I'm really confused as to whether or not I want to use open or closed adoption. Right now, I think I'd rather do closed as it's probably best that my baby has her own life and thinks of her new parents as her own. But I'm a little nervous that I'll regret my decision in the future. What do you think?

Sincerely,

She May Never Know Me

A:

Dear She May Never Know Me,

Open adoption is adoption between adopting parents and parents who are giving up a child for adoption, where the information flow and relationships remain open, as opposed to closed adoption where once the baby is transferred to the adopting parents, all information flow and communication between parents giving up child and adopting parents and child, end.

Many people adopting opt for closed adoption because they have fear and shame about their adoption. This fear and shame stems from feelings of failure at not being able to conceive and birth their own child. In addition, the fear and shame contribute to feelings of loss of control, and in order to stave off control issues, parents want to cut out biological parents and deny their part in the child so that they can pretend that the child is theirs without anyone else's involvement.

I advocate open adoption for several reasons:

1. Closed adoption is not natural. Children come from somewhere, and to deny their origin is to denigrate the child. It is healthier for children to know where they came from in a natural way, and to feel loved and accepted and trust their parents to tell them the truth about life.

2. Medical history. It is important for parents and a grown child to be able to know about their medical and genetic history for the benefit of their own health and their future children's health. Open adoption allows information flow.

3. It's okay to ask for help. In life, a message that is valuable is: It's okay to ask for help. Parents who are pregnant and don't want to be, can ask for help in placing a child for adoption. Parents who can't have a child can ask for help in having one placed in their home. This is an important message for children to receive. If they have a problem, they don't have to be victims. They can look to resources in the world -- even from people they don't know.

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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