And They're Off!

Tips For Parents Whose Kids Are Starting School

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

My little boy is starting preschool this year! Of course I am excited for him, but I'm also extremely sad for myself. I have to admit I even almost decided to hold him back for an extra year just because I want him home with me for a little while longer. What can I do to make myself feel better about my little one going off into the real world?

Sincerely,

Don't Leave Me

Dear Don't Leave Me,

I'm so glad you didn't make the decision to hold your child back a year; this wouldn't have been healthy for you or your son.

Tips for parents to help themselves:

1. Remember it's healthy for your child to move on and go out into the world. If your child didn't, you'd have big problems.

2. When your child separates, you've done a good job parenting. You've hit a milestone. Milestones are good.

3. This is a chance for you to do more -- more sleeping, more charity, more work, more being a spouse -- it's a creative time for you. As your child steps out, so do you!

Don't make your child anxious because of your feelings:

One of the worst things a parent can do to a child is to cause the child to feel that they have to take care of the parent. This robs the child of childhood and creates anger in the child as they grow older. The way this happens is when parents don't have clear boundaries about the child parent relationship.

There are important developmental steps in every person's life, and if those steps are not taken, the result can be dysfunction at best and mental illness and disorders at worst.

Children need to individuate, and so, too, do parents. Parenting is a constant balance between protecting, guiding, and separating. Empathy is important, and a child who does not develop empathy will have problems bonding and having relationships later in life, however, there is a big difference with a parent empathizing with a child's hurts -- or a child empathizing with a parent's hurts -- and understanding that life is full of hurts and being able to handle them and get over and beyond them is part of becoming a successful person who can live in the world happily, healthfully, and successfully.

Parents who over-identify with their child to the extent that they are creating a dysfunctional relationship, have not had a clear separation from their own parents at the same age. This is not the end of the story, luckily. Recognizing the problem is a great step towards healing. Working through the feelings of the separation or the absence of the separation that a parent had or didn't have with their own parent, and realizing how it's come to affect them as an adult is another good step towards healing. Once a parent is able to separate from their own parent -- they are best able to become parents with clear boundaries and goals in parenting their own children.

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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