Being Bullied at School

What To Do When the Bullies are Girls

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Q: Dear April Masini,

My eight-year-old daughter had a major personality change since school started last semester. She stopped inviting friends over after school, came home moody and her grades were dropping. It took me a while to figure out what was wrong, and now that I know, I have no idea what to do.

My daughter says that the girls she was friends with last year have completely shut her out and worse, are talking behind her back to other girls in her class. As a result, she has been excluded from all groups of friends in the third grade. She's no longer being invited to birthday parties or play dates. It breaks my heart to see her so sad, but I'm not sure how to deal with this. I don't want to make it worse by speaking to other parents and "forcing" these girls to be friends; I doubt that will be effective. What's the best way of solving this problem?

Signed,

Defensive Dad

A:

Dear Defensive Dad,

The first thing you need to understand is that your daughter is being bullied. Mean girls are bullies. The difference between girl bullies and boy bullies is that in general, boys have a more physical outlet and aggression. Girls have a more psychological aggression. Mean girls can drive others to great pain and even suicide, if they are vulnerable.

How Does a Kid End Up a Bully? 

Mean girls learn to be mean — it is not inborn. They are mean because they do not think they have other ways of expressing their feelings or getting what they want. Again, this behavior is learned.

Mean girls who are bullies tend to attract other girls who are also bullies or girls who are used to being abused on some level, and are comfortable being bossed around by a bully and dishing out the same mean emotions that the bullies dish out.

Can A Girl Really Be a Bully? 

Bullying is a form of abuse and must be taken seriously, whether the perpetrator is male or female. Bullies are like vigilantes who are trying to remedy an inequity in some part of their life where they got the short end of the stick. The victim of the bullying usually has nothing to do with that original inequity. By giving the victim the short end of the stick, the bully feels vindicated in some way. She may also feel guilty, embarrassed, humiliated and other emotions as she relates both to the original bully who hurt her, and to the victim, who she is hurting.

If that sounds complicated, the bottom line is, abusers who don’t heal continue to abuse. Bullies are abusers and bullying is abuse.

How to Spot Bullying 

Based on your letter, it sounds as though your daughter is being bullied.

If you're not sure, look for: Any signs of depression in a child may come from bullying. Look for bad moods without reason, clamming up, excessive sleep, your child bullying others and any signs of physical differences, such as ripped clothing, the child not having eaten lunch (if it was taken from him), scratches or bruises, intense weight gain or weight loss, nasty phone calls from other kids or nasty e-mails, etc.

How Do I Solve the Problem? 

If you think you see signs of bullying, gently address your child. If the child is able to talk to you about the problem, the next step is to address a school counselor and ask advice. If the child is not able to talk to you, consult the counselor on your own without the child’s input. Let the counselor mediate between your family and the bully’s family, rather than taking it on yourself. Check in with the counselor the following week to see if they have any new advice or information. If the bullying continues, give the counselor one more try at mediation, and if that doesn’t work, address the problem in writing with the school vice principal.

The important thing is get the problem out in the open so that responsibility can be taken to remedy the problem. If you feel that your child’s school is not helping, consult with the pediatrician or a child psychologist for help.

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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