Bringing Baby Home

Issues to consider before getting pregnant ... and how to fix them

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Q: Dear April Masini,

My husband and I are thinking about trying to get pregnant, but I'd really like to understand more about what having a baby will mean for our lives right now. I know I want to start a family at some point, but I've been hearing so much about post partum depression lately, and I'm worried about it. Also, is it true that my husband and I won't have a sex life at all after our baby is born? What else do we need to consider before getting pregnant?

Sincerely,

Planning a Pregnancy

A:

Dear Planning a Pregnancy,

The best way to ward off problems is to anticipate them. Understand that problems change and even decisions may change, but having open communication and a plan to work from is always a great idea.

Below are the major day-to-day problems that are thrust on families with new babies.

First Baby Issues and Fix-Its: 

A first baby changes a couples' lives more than the marriage itself and really tests the mettle of what a family has. In fact, having a baby for the first time can make an Survivor show seem like a walk in the park. Why?

1. Sleep deprivation -- a torture technique in war zones, most couples with new babies impose this on themselves. Newborn babies often eat every two hours round the clock. Sometimes (often) they have colic, which means they cry often and for long periods of time. Some babies reverse day and night so they're up all night and want to sleep all day when you have things to do.

2. Depressed sex life -- new mothers experience a very real and physical/chemical hormone shift from pregnancy to not being pregnant any more. Nursing mothers have different hormone shifts than non-nursing mothers do. These shifts can depress sex drives at this time. In addition episiotomies, very un-sexy procedures, and tearing from vaginal birth, and recovery from abdominal surgery of a C-section, can make sex the furthest thing from a new mother's mind.

3. You're never alone any more -- that bundle of joy you've been dreaming about is here to stay. Forever. While it sounds simplistic, there is grieving for your old life. Spontaneous sex, running out to dinner with your spouse and catching a movie are all gone with the wind. Babysitters are necessary, and life is more complicated from here on in.

4. Post partum depression -- women have chemical and physical changes that can cause depression that ranges from mild to severe, and can last a short time or a long time. Men can also become depressed if their wives are not happy.

5. Body changes -- some women get their "figures back," with very little problem, and other women have body changes after pregnancy that last for the rest of their lives. In between are a myriad of changes that can be short lived or long lasting. Regardless, they can be depressing -- to men and women. Men may feel disappointed and not attracted to a wife who is no longer svelte and "hot."

6. The Madonna/whore thing is lost forever, and the Madonna thing is left -- with a lower case m. Men often have trouble adjusting their sexual urges and drives now that their "woman" is the mother of their child.

Fix-Its:

1. Sleep deprivation. There is no surer formula for failure than having both husband and wife up all night every night. The solution is that one person sleeps while the other person stays up at night with the baby. If that doesn’t work, instead of hiring a nanny, hire a night nurse to come in from 8 p.m. to 8 a.m.

2. Sex life. Men have sex drives that are different than women’s, and even if you don't have yours back, give him some mercy sex. Don't sigh. Just do it. If intercourse doesn’t work for you, then think high school sex. Men need to understand that women may not feel attractive or sexy, and they need to be understanding and compassionate and not pressure their wives -- especially for the first few months after a birth.

3. Grieve the loss of your two-some family. And ask yourself if you had it to do over again, would you not have the baby? If the answer is yes, then seek some professional help. If the answer is no, then keep your friends around you and talk it out.

4. See your doctor for depression. It's real and it's temporary. Don't be afraid to get help.

5. Be patient with your body, but do exercise -- not so much to lose weight as to gain energy. You will feel better if you get some spiffy new active gear and get out a few times a week to walk, run, do yoga or any other form of exercise you like. Swimming is great.

6. Try to find some time where it's just the two of you -- and if you can't find it, plan a great weekend away -- in town. Leave the baby with grandma or an aunt, and be nearby -- not so much for emergencies, as for the psychological comfort of knowing your baby is just five minutes away.

Bigger Issues that are more long term:

Religion and whether or not to circumcise a baby should be discussed before conception, and if not before conception, before the baby's birth, and if not before the baby's birth, then as soon as possible. The reason for this is that the sooner an open forum for discussion occurs, the more easily agreements, disagreements and opinions and ideas can be aired and exchanged.

Once the baby is born, the clock starts ticking for circumcisions, christenings, and other religious and traditional rites that are supposed to be performed on certain days of the baby's life.

The amount of time to spend with each set of grandparents can become a big issue for couples. Discuss this ahead of time, and air all thoughts on the matter. If this isn't discussed, it can blow up at the worst time -- right after the baby is born, which is when mother, father, and baby all need nurturing, peace, and support -- not conflict.

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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