Dealing With Denial

Tips For Caregivers With Patients in Denial

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Q: Dear April Masini,

I'm caring for my elderly mother and it's becoming increasingly more difficult as time goes by. She's in denial about how ill she is and how much care she actually needs. This is a problem because she just doesn't seem to understand that she needs my help and is extremely reluctant to allow me to help her. Do you have any suggestions for how I can deal with my mother's denial?

Sincerely,

Denial is More Than Just a River

A:

Dear Denial is More Than Just a River,

It can be extremely difficult to deal with denial in a loved one, but there are some ways of dealing with it.

How denial impacts care decisions and family dynamics; denial as a coping mechanism and/or response to loss:

One person's denial is another person's flexibility. Defining denial is tricky business because it depends on perspective. When a caregiver is related to the patient, they may have a knowledge of the patient's individual capabilities and history that colors their expectations and decisions on how the patient is doing. When a caregiver is a hired hand, their perspective is less about the individual, historically, and more about their own field of experience.

Denial can be a copying mechanism, but more often it's just the way a caregiver perceives a situation based on their own experience and perspective.

How to recognize denial:

Recognizing denial requires perspective. If a patient falls and breaks a hip, the fall can be "one of those things." If the patient falls monthly or weekly, then there is a clear pattern of falling and it's not just "one of those things." It's normal behavior for this particular patient. So in order to recognize denial, you have to know what normal is over a period of time, and how a particular patient's behavior compares to normal.

How to help an aging parent/ill family member who may be in denial of their own illness:

When a patient is in denial, they aren't recognizing patterns and they don't have a perspective. For some patients with memory challenges and reality challenges, it may be virtually impossible for them to recognize denial or even reality. The best you can do is gently and consistently (think toddler training) show them what it is they're doing, and what the rest of the community is doing without judgment, in order to help them see reality and denial in their own behavior.

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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