Deja Vu Family

How to Cope When Grown Kids Move Home

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Dating Tips and Advice

Q: Dear April Masini,

My 25-year-old son has been moved out of our house since he started college seven years ago, but now that he's decided to save up for a condo, he's asked to move back in with us for a year to enable him to save faster.

My wife and I agreed that this was a good step financially, but now that he's starting to bring his stuff over, we're nervous. How will we cope with this? Last time we had him around, we were giving him curfews. He's an adult and I want to respect that, but he's still our son and we have certain expectations for him that I'm sure he doesn't always live up to. Before now, it was out of sight, out of mind.

What can we do to prevent issues for the next year?

Sincerely,

Doubtful Dad 

A:

Dear Doubtful Dad,

How can both parents and their children adjust to living together again? 


1. Anticipate your needs and set up boundaries ahead of time. 
2. Establish an open channel of communication.

Setting Limits and Boundaries

1. Keep the lines of communication open -- not just between parents and children, but between husband and wife and between you and yourself! Know what your limits are, as well as what your spouse's limits are in terms of taking a child back into the nest. If you'd like the child to be on their own in a year or six months, communicate this to them in a way that makes your needs clear. If you don't want to impose those time limit boundaries, but you also don't want to feel like the child is freeloading, make clear a list of responsibilities for the adult child to complete each week. These can include maintaining the cars, doing the food shopping, picking up dry cleaning, taking Grandma to her doctor appointments, etc.

2. Social limits. Don't be afraid to put limits on your adult child's social life under your roof. If you don't believe in overnight guests of the opposite sex, say so, and make that a condition for the living situation. If you don't want alcohol consumed in your home, make that a condition. It's your house. As long as you are clear with your adult child, you do not have to feel guilty. If you don't want your adult child walking around nude or in their underwear, again, just spell it out and make it a condition of the living arrangement – just like a landlord would in a lease, only this is a more intimate set of terms.

3. When you do communicate terms, choose times and places to have meetings. Do not spell out your boundaries or conditions of the living situation in the middle or the end of a fight. These conditions should be imposed in calm times. 

What ground rules should you set? 

This will vary from home to home, but some of the subject areas where ground rules might be needed are overnight guests, financial responsibilities, curfews, use of the car, etc. 

 

Give Each Other Space! 


Parents need to recognize that their kids are older and need more space in many cases, than in the past. Don't expect family dinners to include these older kids. Don't expect that just because Friday night used to be family board game night, it still will be. Recognize your adult child's growth. 
Dealing with Disappointment
How do you deal with it if your son doesn't hold up with his end of the deal? Family meeting! Readjust expectations and boundaries. And if it just isn't working out, then disband the project entirely and have the child live with a relative for the rest of the year. 

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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