Don't Punch Thy Sibling

Tips For Dealing With Sibling Rivalry

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Q: Dear April Masini,

My kids fight with each other constantly! I know they really love and care about each other, but it's so painful for a mother to watch her kids fighting and hurting each other's feelings so much. Even more discouraging to me is the fact that I have adult friends who still fight non-stop with their siblings. What if my kids never stop arguing? I treat my kids very fairly, so where do you think all this sibling rivalry is coming from?

Sincerely,

Love Thy Brother

A:

Dear Love Thy Brother,

Sibling rivalry is biological and Darwinian. When there was no birth control there were many children, and some did not survive harsh living conditions. There just wasn't enough to go around. Siblings rivaled for their parents' attention in order to survive. If they were better loved, there was a better chance of their being taken care of. In animal litters, the runt usually dies.

That biological issue has psychological and behavioral implications that still exist. There are many studies on birth order that are related to sibling rivalry and that substantiate the fact that it exists and affects children into their adult lives.

Tips for parents with siblings for children:

* Accept sibling rivalry. It exists.

* Understand that when your second child is born, the first-born will feel displaced. The reason is that that child IS displaced. They are no longer the only child or the baby of the family, and mom needs to spend more time with the new baby to help it survive. Help your child understand the realities of life.

* That said, make some time for your first born when the newborn comes on a regular basis, and make special rituals for you and the first born that are just yours.

* When your first born is upset or suffers the effects of sibling rivalry, help your child express their feelings, and help them understand why they have them, and that they are natural, as is the transition and new order of things. Explain that you love your children equally, and that you have enough love to go around.

Not having enough is the underlying basis for sibling rivalry. There is a feeling that one child will have less than the other/s.

Interestingly, sibling rivalry issues crop again again (if not still) when a parent is aging and close to the end of their life.

Adult sibling rivalry:

There is nothing like illness of an aging parent to heat up the stress and bring any sibling rivalry that hasn't been resolved and/or has been laying dormant to the surface. The illness brings up anxiety about a parent's mortality. Fear of loss becomes exacerbated. Any abandonment issues become prominent. Most adult children are not prepared for their parents deaths. Any illness that hints at death can be a catalyst for anxiety, stress, and fighting among themselves.

The feelings of anxiety are often projected on other adult siblings who are having their own reactions to the same parent's illness. Old wounds or scars can become fresh fodder for fighting. Future uncertainties like medical care, pain management and funerals or wills can all become anxiety flash points.

The reason that aging and ill, elderly parents create so much tension between adult siblings is because the outcome is so unknown and the stakes are so high. While it's common for adult siblings to have conflict and stress at holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas, the worst that usually happens is a fight, unpleasant words spoken, or someone walks out. When a parent is ill, adult siblings have a lot more at stake. They may loose their parents, and this potential loss of control makes them try to control each other because they can't control the situation.

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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