Etiquette - How to Apologize and Accept a Thank You at Work

Apologies In The Office

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Q: Dear April Masini,

I made a big mistake at work and kind of acted like a fool. I think everyone is pretty much getting over it, but I still really feel like I need to apologize for my behavior. I've been trying to write out an apology speech but am not sure how much is too much. Is a simpler apology better? I'm pretty emotional about this whole situation and really want my co-workers to know how sorry I am, but I don't want to go overboard. Do you have any advice on the best way I can apologize?

Sincerely,

Sorry Worker

A:

Dear Sorry Worker,

It's great you want to apologize for your actions at work, but there are definitely some things you should know about expressing your regret to your co-workers. While I'm giving you some advice, I'll also let you know the best way to react to an apology, as well as how to thank someone at work and how to accept a thank you.

Apologizing:

The best way to apologize at work is to take the emotions out of the act, and keep the feelings about your business. In other words, don't get all gushy about an apology at work.

The mistake people make at work, more often than not, is to cross boundaries. Your work is not your home life, and you should behave differently and with more reserve at work than you would at home in order to maintain a professional demeanor. So many people apologize at work, and get overly emotional, confusing their personal feelings with what it is that they're apologizing for. Everybody has baggage and a back story, but if your father owed you an apology for 50 years, didn't give it to you and died without apologizing, and the first person at work who apologizes to you is met with a torrent of emotions that you're feeling about your father's not apologizing, but is projected onto this co-worker, you're going to confuse people, scare people, and bring your baggage into the office.

Take care of your personal life and feelings outside of the office, so you don't bring that baggage into the office any more than is absolutely necessary. This is an ongoing discipline. It is worth the work. It will release you to act professionally at work without so much baggage.

When you apologize, make the apology about the behavior. Not your feelings. You can say, "I'm sorry I did so and so because it was really not in the team's best interest. I didn't see it at the time, but I do now. I'm very sorry and I'm going to try not to make the mistake again." Don't talk about how nice or how mean someone is. Don't talk about how you felt or how you made other people feel (as if you know!).

Accepting an apology:

The same rule applies, which is make the acceptance or the non-acceptance about the behavior -- not feelings. You can say, "I appreciate your understanding of the situation and your change in attitude. Thank you for the apology." Or you can say, "Your apology is noted." That's for if you're going to fire the person because all they do is screw up and apologize. You don't have to be nice, but you may not be mean. Just note the apology for the record and move on with whatever it is you have to do.

Thanking someone:

Thanking someone is not really what you want to do at work. It's a colloquialism that is often used, but what is really meant is, "I appreciate the way you handled that situation." Or, "You made things a lot better for the company when you did what you did. Thank you." In the latter case, the "thank you" is the manner, but the former sentence is what you meant to say.

Accepting a thank you:

Just say "You're welcome," and smile. Then leave. The most dopey way people handle thank you's is to not accept them, or protest that they are not deserved. Save everyone's energy and say thanks and move on.

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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