Holidays After Loss

Getting Through Christmas While Grieving

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Three months ago, I lost my younger brother, who was 34, in a tragic car accident. The ordeal has been terrible for everyone and none of us have come close to recovering. In fact, whenever my family is together, we all get extremely upset as we remember him.

Christmas is coming up and I have children and several nieces and nephews who are too young to grasp the gravity of our loss. I don't want to make the holidays miserable for them, or, for that matter, for us, but I'm not sure what the proper way to behave and react is. We don't feel right celebrating without him, but at the same time it seems unjustified to be miserable; he wouldn't want that for us. How do we get through the holidays this year?

Sincerely,

Still Grieving

Dear Still Grieving,

I am sorry for the loss of your brother. There is a lot to keep in mind as you approach the holiday season. Here are some thoughts to keep in mind and hopefully help you through this difficult time:

The Importance of Grieving

Allow yourself to grieve. Pain of loss is very hard to allow. Sometimes we do all kinds of things to avoid feeling the pain. We distract ourselves. We numb ourselves. We pretend to ourselves. We sublimate our feelings and work very hard so we don’t have to have discomfort and sadness. There are all kinds of coping mechanisms we use to avoid feeling pain. But, ultimately, the only way to get passed pain is not around it, but through it. And it doesn’t go away. It waits for you to deal with it. In fact, most cultures and religions have rituals that help communities cope with death and loss, and if you are lucky enough to have a culture or religion that helps you grieve, this is a time to embrace it.

It’s easier to escape into work or exercise or eating or to focus on other problems that we invent or embellish to avoid a profound and hurtful sadness, during the rest of the year, but at holidays like Christmas, where families come together for a prolonged period of time that is either a weekend or a week or more, and when businesses shut down, and there is spiritual focus at church, and it is apparent that other families are celebrating together as a family, it is harder to avoid your feelings of loss because someone is missing from your family and you can’t get him back.

Allow the feelings you and your family are having to be part of your life. Let go.

Celebrate The Memories

Memorialize your loved one. Have a ceremony to invoke his or her memory. Invite family and friends to listen and speak about your loved one and what they remember, what they loved and what they miss about him. Either have a private memorial service or a formal memorial service or have your religious leader – whether it’s a priest, a rabbi or some other leader, to invoke your loved one’s memory at church or synagogue during a part of the holiday prayers. Many religions honor the dead as part of the normal holiday time. If your local religious leader is made aware of your family’s loss, he or she will make a formal pronouncement of your brother’s memory. This gives your loved one’s memory a place, not just in your family’s life, but in your community’s life. It gives dignity to the loss. It also allows you to share your loss with other people, which is healing.

Revere Life Now

Remember what your loved one loved and celebrate his life by incorporating his loves into your own life. Allow his spirit to fan the flame of your own. Remember that life is precious and that all life ends. Sometimes too soon, and sometimes after a long period of time. Sometimes with no warning, and sometimes with warning that makes goodbyes all the more painful. Celebrate what you are given while you’re here. Allow your brother’s death to make you aware of how precious yours is. Spend more time telling people you love that you love them, and doing good deeds along the way of your day.

Make someone else’s life more fortunate. Whether it’s someone you know or someone you don’t know. Give something – whether it’s time as a Big Brother or Big Sister or some other kind of mentor or help someone who’s old or in need. Donate money or time or old clothes and toys or a car you don’t drive any more, helping victims of other disasters like Hurricane Katrina or the families of U.S. soldiers who lost their loved ones serving our country. Affirm your brother’s life by affirming someone else’s life.

Celebrate The Holidays With A Deeper Meaning

Allow the holidays and your brother’s loss to remind you of what is important. Don’t sweat the small stuff and slow down to spend time with people as you remember that time passes and you can spend it doing meaningful things, or allowing it pass without conscious choice. Choose to live your life well — for your brother.

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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