Keep Their Spirits Up

Tips For Parenting Your Teen Without Stressing Them Out

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

I really enjoy talking to my teenage daughter and being her friend, but I am first and foremost her mother. Sometimes I feel like I'm too hard on her and I get her spirit down. I know it's hard enough being a teen and I don't want to add too much extra pressure to her life. How can I effectively be a parent without completely stressing my daughter out?

Sincerely,

Mother and Friend

Dear Mother and Friend,

It's important to be a parent to your child, but it's also important that you aren't overbearing on your child, stressing them out and bringing their spirit down.

Tips for keeping your teen's spirit spirited:

1. Be open- minded. Don't impose your past issues on your teen. If your child is not an A student, consider not pushing him to be one. If your child is not athletic and you were, allow them to be a book –worm or whatever form their non-athleticism takes. On the other hand, if your child is athletic and popular and you were not, support the teen in what they like and who they are, while continuing to separate your own identity from your teen's identity. This separation and parenting is a lifelong balancing act.

2. Respect your teen. Some things a teen will do are a cry for help -- others are an exploration of self. If you find soft core porn or Playboy type photos in your teen's room, rather than deny it (to yourself and the teen), bring sexuality out in the open for discussion to let the teen know that it is normal at this age to explore sexuality and curiosity that goes along with that. This can be a face- to-face discussion, or a gift of a book on age appropriate sexuality along with a talk or a family night of viewing a movie like the oldie but goodie, A Little Romance or Shakespeare In Love, with your commentary about love, lust, and age. Ideally an open dialogue between you and your teen will be established.

If you are seeing aberrant sexuality -- and you have to use your own judgment here -- some of these aberrations may be bestiality, s&m, etc. in the photos or the porn your teen is viewing -- consult a professional on how to handle the situation. And don't forget to check all the computers in the house -- as this is a big source of information about porn, drugs, and relationships that your teen may have. The "history" tab on most computers will allow you to see the sites that your computer has been at -- whether visited by you, or someone else in your house.

3. On the other hand, while respecting your teen, you do have to continue to parent and check out your teen's backpack, desk, computer, diary, etc. Rather than seeing this job as a betrayal, you need to see it as a safety precaution. There are lots of dangerous options to teens these days that weren't available two decades ago, and as long as you respect their sense of self, and balance that with a protective check on them, you'll be fine.

4. Don't lie about yourself to your teen. First of all they can smell a lie a mile away. If you smoked dope or had sex at an age that you are now embarrassed to tell your teen about, you'd be best to tell the truth -- and use your wisdom to tell them why you think it is better to wait or not do something, and why you did it then, and what you'd do now if you had the chance to do it again.

Parenting is not just the most difficult job in the world -- it can be a wonderful healing experience for the parent and a way to give more to your child than your parent gave you, while getting huge payoff for yourself, and therefore, your child. Because your teen, even though he or she wears bigger size shoes than you do, will always be your child.

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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