My Mum's Like Me!

What Should You Do When the Boundaries of a Parent-Child Relationship are Crossed?

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Q: Dear April Masini,

I'm getting really fed up with the way my mum is behaving. She wears my make-up, steals my clothes and flirts with my boyfriend. She goes out with her friends and returns home late at night. I feel like the parent sometimes. I'm not saying my mum shouldn't have a good time, but this is just getting ridiculous. Why is she behaving this way? How can I talk to her about it?

Sincerely,

Angry Teen Daughter

A:

Dear Angry Teen Daughter,

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. One of the worst things a parent can do to a child is to cause the child to feel that they have to take care of the parent. This robs the child of childhood and creates anger in the child as they grow older. The way this happens is when parents don’t have clear boundaries about the child parent relationship.

There are important developmental steps in every person’s life, and if those steps are not taken, the result can be dysfunction at best and mental illness and disorders at worst.

Children need to individuate, and so, too, do parents. Parenting is a constant balance between protecting, guiding and separating. Empathy is important, and a child who does not develop empathy will have problems bonding and having relationships later in life, however, there is a big difference with a parent empathizing with a child’s hurts — or a child empathizing with a parent’s hurts — and understanding that life is full of hurts and being able to handle them and get over and beyond them is part of becoming a successful person who can live in the world happily, healthfully and successfully.

Parents who over-identify with their child to the extent that they are creating a dysfunctional relationship, have not had a clear separation from their own parents at the same age. This is not the end of the story, luckily. Recognizing the problem is a great step towards healing. Working through the feelings of the separation or the absence of the separation that a parent had or didn’t have with their own parent, and realizing how it’s come to affect them as an adult is another good step towards healing. Once a parent is able to separate from their own parent — they are best able to become parents with clear boundaries and goals in parenting their own children.

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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