Prom Problem

Coping When Your Daughter Isn't Asked to the Dance

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Q: Dear April Masini,

My daughter's prom is next month, and as I've watched one of her friends after the other get asked, I've come to the conclusion that it's possible my daughter is not going to have a date. I think she is thinking the same thing too, although she hasn't brought it up with me. I'm not sure how to deal with this situation. Normally she is not in this type of position, but she does not have a boyfriend and has few close male friends, so I'm assuming she's sort of being left by the wayside.

She hasn't ever dated because of our house rules and now I'm beginning to wonder if I set a bad example. Do you think I should have allowed her to date earlier? 

What can I do to help her through this, and prevent it from happening again next year? It seems like a nightmare to me to not have a date at your own prom, but she hasn't mentioned it so I'm not sure how she feels.

Sincerely,

Worried Mom 

A:

Dear Worried Mom,

Since your daughter hasn't brought the prom up yet, maybe it's best that you don't mention it either. Always follow your child's lead when the child is a teen and the law is not being broken. That's my rule of thumb. However, if you see your child displaying any signs of emotional distress like depression, you should definitely intervene. 

The prom is just the prom. It's not cancer. If your child thinks it's the biggest deal in the world, you don't have to validate that, and by not validating that, you give your child some perspective. If your child thinks the prom is no big deal, and you are the one who's flipped out that your child doesn't have a date, you will give your child anxiety and neurosis that they didn't start out with, organically.

Addressing The Issue

Watching a child experience any kind of pain is difficult for a parent, but if your child does not experience pain in a safe environment, they won't have the opportunity to develop the tools to withstand it that they will need when they're on their own. To not let a child experience boredom or pain is much worse than to allow a child their own path, with the pain that is part of life, so that they can learn to adapt.

When Should Teens Start To Date?

Dating is not a gauntlet to be run through. Dating is a process by which people spend time together and enjoy each other's company. Parents can teach their children what the schools in their rush to prevent teen pregnancy have made sex education, do not: love and romance. Love and romance, commitment and loyalty are missing in most tweens and teens lives. They are bombarded with sexual images wherever they turn, and examples of sex in their music, television and other entertainment. They now see their increasingly single parents dating, and suddenly, sex is in the house in a way it never was with parents who were married for at least 13 years before their own child turned 12. Sex is a lot more prevalent in tweens and teens lives'. What parents need to teach their children is about romance and about getting to know opposite sex peers when they're ready in a way that includes friendship first and foremost. Then sexuality as a way to express themselves when they are old enough and responsible enough.

Teach Your Daughter to Be Confident, And The Rest Will Follow

Confidence is a huge magnet at any age. The way a teen can become confident is to get out in the world and find what it is you're good at, whether it's fashion, school, sports or owning a pet. Doing what you're good at and achieving in that field will make a person confident. 

Enjoy your life and be true to yourself. There is nothing that is more of a popularity turn off than being fake. Putting yourself in situations where you have the most fun while still being responsible is a great way to increase your magnetism.

 

Avoid Being a Wallflower 

At any age, the number one thing girls and women do to become a wallflower is to not take life by the reins. When you take your life for granted you're likely to slog through it. You don't have to be a type A personality to avoid being a wallflower, but giving your life some meaning by volunteering, enjoying your studies (and if you don't enjoy them, study something you do enjoy), taking good care of your self and smiling at people instead of staring at the ground, you'll never be a wallflower.

 

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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