Relationship Advice - Cheaper By The Dozen?

Tips on 4 Things You Should Openly Discuss With Your Partner Before Deciding Whether or Not to Have More Children

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Q: Dear April Masini,

How do you know if you should have another child, or not? I think I’d like to have one, but I don’t think that my husband is as enthusiastic about the idea. Should I try to convince him, or should I be the one to reconsider? Please give me some advice on how to determine if my husband and I should be having more children!

Signed,

Pregnancy Wanted

A:

Dear Pregnancy Wanted,

When the wife wants a child and the husband doesn't, the key question is whether the couple has children at all. If they don't have any children, and the wife wants a first child, then the husband would be wise to acquiesce. Women's mothering instincts run deep and while some women have no desire to have children, and others could take it or leave it, the ones who do have that mothering instinct -- have it bad. This issue can be a deal breaker in a marriage, and it’s obviously wiser to have discussed it beforehand, but if you didn’t – or if you didn’t realize you have those feelings until just now, then hash it out.

If the wife wants another child and the couple already has one or more children, the question is really something that I would suggest both members of the couple openly discuss.

Things That Need to Come Out on the Table While Discussing the Issue Of Having (More) Kids:

1. Reasons for having children. Your spouse may not know why you want children, and it’s important to let him or her know. You, yourself may not know, and this is a good therapy exercise to explore your own self and needs.

2. Background. Did the parent grow up in a large family or a small family, and is the desire to replicate or to do the opposite of the family they came from? Knowing this and having it out on the table can spark discussion that may resolve the issue, or reveal things you both didn’t know.

3. Financial means. Can you afford another child? If having another child is going to “break the bank,” and cause so much financial stress that the marriage cracks, reconsider maternity.

4. What are your hopes and dreams for the marriage and your lives as a couple, as a family and as individuals within a couple or within a family? Sometimes a husband misses his wife and the twosome that they were before kids. The idea of having another child means 18 more years of not having her to himself, and putting off travel plans, spontaneous sex and the kind of intimacy that doesn't involve tripping on pull toys and diapers left on the floor.

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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