Smells Like Teen Spirit

What A Mom Can Say (And When!) To Her Tween Daughter

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Q: Dear April Masini,

My daughter is starting to go through puberty, and so far there hasn't been any freak-out moments. But she is going to have to change her hygiene patterns, though in her sensitive state, I don't want to go up to her and say, "You're starting to smell. Use some deodorant." Any information I can relay to her to make these bodily changes easier on her?

Sincerely,

Teen Spirit 

A:

Dear Teen Spirit, 

Puberty can be a difficult time for girls, so having the correct information ready for her questions is most helpful.

Specific information about teenage grooming will include: 

What is deodorant? 

Deordorant is a product that limits and prevents odor.  

How does deodorant differ from antiperspirant? 

Antiperspirant is a product that attempts to limit and stop sweating that contributes to odor. 

Should I use a product that's a combination of the two? 

This is a personal call. There are lots of people who don't like using products on their bodies that have chemicals in them -- something that combo deodorant/antiperspirants have. There are other people who don't mind at all using these products. My advice with a tween girl is to start with something mild and gentle, and increase the power of the product on an "as needed" basis. There are lots of natural deodorants that tween girls will like because they work and/or they are packaged attractively and come in different scents or unscented. 

When should my daughter start to use deodorant? 

This is a personal call -- but mostly this is a great opportunity to open the channels of communication between mom and tween daughter at a very important time in a tween's life. When her body starts changing it is really important that she have someone she can trust to talk to about changes, concerns, fears and boundaries. 

* It's important for moms to be non-judmental and not to make jokes that no matter how innocently intended, can make tweens self-conscious and apt not to share any more with mom for fear of embarrassment or discomfort in talking. 

* It's important for moms to be private. Don't bring the topic up at the dinner table with everyone there. Talk to your daughter privately in a non-rushed, non-stressed time -- not when she's running late for school, but rather on a lazy weekend afternoon. 

* Either your daughter will come to you or you can go to your daughter, preferably either when she turns 10 or 11 or when you notice she's developing secondary sexual characteristics, which girls are doing earlier and earlier. Explain to her that this using deodorant is a part of grooming. It can make a woman feel more confident and also make other people around her more comfortable. Ask her if she wants  -- or gift her with -- one or two sample size deodorants for her to keep with her shampoo and soap -- either in her own bathroom, or the space she uses if she has a shared bathroom. 

* If your daughter starts using deodorant, give her one for dad's house (if you and dad are divorced), so she can feel comfortable in both homes (and tell dad that you did this so he can be aware and replace deodorant for his developing daughter at his house), and one for her gym locker at school. 

How should I introduce the topic to my daughter in a positive way?

Make the deodorant part of a shopping trip. Combine it with other grooming issues like washing hair, skin care, shaving and foot care. Once mom gets over any anxiety about this topic, believe me, your daughter is going to be glad and grateful to have you helping her through her teen years. 

Are there myths about deodorant/antiperspirant?

There are myths about everything! Ask your pediatrician for advice for any health concerns you have, and talk to other moms with daughters the same age as yours or older. 

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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