Stop Footing the Bill

Handling the Sticky Situtation of Lending and Borrowing

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Q: Dear April Masini,

I'm tired of always footing the bill for my teen. My teenage daughter does not understand the concept of limits and money. Any advice to teach my daughter the meaning of money?

Sincerely,

Seeing Green 

A:

Dear Seeing Green,

The only way teens are going to understand limits is if they are taught the limits. This is the job of the parent. It is enforced by the school, the community and the extended family.  

Here are some ways to set up limits:

1. Anticipate situations and plan remedies for them. For instance, anticipate what your teen will need each week in terms of money, and what is the teen's responsibility to cover and what is yours. Make this clear to your teen, and ask for your teen's input and incorporate the input into the final outcome. 

2. Keep a dialogue going about money and responsibility with your teen. Give your teen a place to talk about what's going on with him or her and money, and for you to air your input, too. 

3. Have consequences for behaviors -- both positive and negative. If your teen does something you really appreciate, reward him or her with money. If your teen runs out of money for a reason like he or she spent it on something frivolous, have a consequence that is reasonable rather than continually bailing the teen out and not setting up limits, consequences or responsibility lessons. 

2. For the friend who pressures the other to shell out more money than she'd like at expensive restaurants/spas when hanging out with the less frugal pal.

Discrepancies in income are only sticky if one person in the relationship is embarrassed or lying about their funds. The best way to be friends with anyone is to be honest. If you're different sizes, different races, different religions or from different socio-economic brackets, the best way to be friends or have a relationship is to acknowledge your differences and your similarities. Your relationship will be built on your similarities and compatibilities. Your differences will make your relationship interesting. 

Tips for relationships with money discrepancies:

1. It is perfectly fine for the wealthier friend to treat the less-than wealthy friend. It is also okay for the less than wealthy friend to do something in return that has nothing to do with money. For example, if the less than wealthy friend is a better cook, driver or flirt -- they can drive, cook and arrange dates or parties in return. There is always a reason that two people are in a relationship, and money is rarely the breaking point or the sticking point. Find out where you connect. 

2. If your less than wealthy friend is expecting you to foot the bill or taking advantage of your footing the bill, then start doing things that don't cost money. If your friend asks why you're no longer eating out at fancy restaurants, be honest. Say, "I adore you, but I feel weird always paying. I'd rather do stuff with you where money's not involved." 

3. If you don't have as much money as your friend, it's perfectly fine to say, "Sorry, I can't go shopping -- I just don't have the money to spend this month." If you had the flu, you wouldn't go skiing. Treat your money situation the same way. If you want to see your friend without spending money, say so. "Can we have coffee at my place?" is a great idea. "Can we watch our favorite TV show at my place instead?" is another great idea. And if your friendship is based on money, then find another friend.  

4. If you just had the salad, and everyone else had cocktails, appetizers, entrees, desserts and coffee, you can definitely speak up when the bill comes to be split. Say, "Does anyone mind if I just kick in for my little old salad?" You can even make a joke about it, like, "Steaks and lobster at my house tomorrow night!" Your friends will appreciate that it's not a "heavy" topic for you. 

 For my coworker -- a colleague repeatedly borrows small amounts of money for lunches or taxi fares and doesn't pay it back. How do you stay professional when someone is abusing this non-work related exchange?

The problem isn't the borrower's. It's the lender who has the problem here. And as long as the lender continues to lend without being paid back, he or she is enabling the borrower. It's pretty simple. Here are some tips on this one:

*When you lend the money be clear on the obligation involved by saying -- "Okay, here's five dollars, and you owe me thirty-five from last week, so you can pay me back forty -- how's tomorrow?"

*You can say, "Gosh, I wish I could, but I've only got twenty-five dollars, and you already owe me forty -- I wish I was a bank, but I've got limited funds myself!"

*You can start borrowing from the other person! Turn the tables and take them completely off guard! You can actually equalize their debt to you that way. 

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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