Stop Spreading Yourself Thin

Understanding Why Women Do Too Much

By
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini

Q: Dear April Masini,

I work full-time, take care of my son, try to maintain a healthy marriage and take night classes. I thought I could handle all of this --plus running a household, cleaning, doing laundry, paying bills-- but I'm starting to become increasingly aware of the toll this is taking. It seems like I am doing a whole bunch of things ... none of them well.

Every time I try to pare back my schedule, I end up filling in holes with different things. I don't know why the idea of sitting on my couch one night a week to catch up on TV or something is so foreign to me, but I can't seem to allow myself to do it. What's going on with me?

Signed,

Stretched Thin 

A:

Dear Stretched Thin,

Doing too much is a huge problem today, more than ever, and the results can be as tragic as stress related heart attacks and other injuries, or exhaustion related accidents. Short of those kinds of acute injuries and health problems, relationships can fall apart from the stress of doing too much, and the long term result of doing too much can be long term – or chronic — stress – both physically and emotionally. Understanding why you do too much could help you fight the urges to pack in your schedule and say "Yes" to everything.

Why Do We Do Too Much?

* Women are naturally caretakers, and they would very often rather take on too much to make other people happy than not take on too much and watch others be unhappy.

* Women are often afraid of conflict, and would rather say yes to taking on too much, than saying no, and having to deal with disappointment or confrontation by the one they are saying no to.

* Beasts of burden. Men are often expected to earn a living, help with housework and child-care in the age of double income with kid families. Rather than stop working when they feel stressed, they often just keep going, working through pain, exhaustion and very, very bad moods. (Check out some great relaxing gifts like a massage chair for the man in your life.)

* Women often take on too much when it comes to work, raising children, and having a romantic relationship with a husband because they want a beautiful home, car, vacations, etc. rather than taking on less work and having less.

* Children are overscheduled by parents who want what they think is the best for their kids, so they sign them up for pottery, horseback riding, French lessons, boy scouts, girl scouts, religious school, little league, and book clubs. And don’t forget the expectation to get good grades, too!

* Fear of failure. We become so invested in succeeding that we become committed to succeeding – at any price. The “Just Do It” folks never meant for you to just do it – even if it means your marriage or your relationship is going to crumble, or your blood pressure is going to shoot sky high. At least, I don’t think they did. (Read more about fear and how to get rid of it.)

* We forget what success is. More is more, but it isn’t always the most. Sometimes having less things and more time with a loved one is success. Sometimes having a house you built yourself is more than a mansion that someone else built. Sometimes being President of a company, but having a nanny raise your kids is less than being a gym teacher part time, and raising your one child alone. Regardless, there is no right or wrong – but there is a personal answer that only you can come up with.

 

April Masini -- nicknamed "the new millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, is author of the best-selling books Date Out Of Your League and Think & Date Like A Man, the two (just released) step-by-step dating and relationship manuals, Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas, and the critically acclaimed dating and relationship online magazine www.AskApril.com.

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