Behavior: When Should You End A Friendship and How Do You Do It?

Friendships are relationships that we choose to have — unlike family relationships that are dictated by birth. A friend is someone who fulfills a need — whether it’s social or emotional or some other need. When the friend no longer fulfills that need or the need no longer exists, and the friend becomes obsolete, people either hang onto friends the way they collect pieces of clothing or other possessions that they just don’t want to throw out even though they don’t use them often, or they let them go.

WAYS TO KNOW IF A FRIENDSHIP IS NOT WORKING

1. You feel guilty that you didn’t invite a particular friend to an event. If you feel guilty about not calling or seeing a friend, you may be taking care of the friend in a way you don’t really want to, but haven’t acknowledged.

2. You find you forget to include your friend in parties, guest lists or your “round” of weekly calls or e-mails. This may be your subconscious sending you a message. You may be forgetting your friend because you don’t want to include them.

3. After seeing a friend, you feel badly. If a visit or a phone call with a friend leaves you feeling unsettled or uncomfortable in some way, you may be having feelings about the friendship that are not on the surface of your consciousness yet. Try and figure out why you don’t feel good around this person. It may be time to let go of the friendship for now.

WAYS TO LET A FRIENDSHIP GO

1. Benign disconnect. Letting go without any prejudice or conflict is the best way to let a friendship go. Believe it or not, this is very hard for some people to do.

2. Drama. Creating a conflict for the (often subconscious) reason of letting go of a friend, is another way to end a friendship. It’s not the most elegant or simple way to end a friendship, but it works. And many people do it without realizing it.

3. Brutal honesty. Few people can or choose to notify a friend that they just don’t want to spend any more time with them because their life has changed to the point that they no longer have time or enough in common with the friend. However, it is a way to let go of a friendship. Don’t expect your friend to take this honesty well. Honesty can be painful to the person hearing it.