Relationship Advice: What and What Not to Hide from Your Spouse

Is my secret really a secret?When your spouse already knows what you think is a secret!Sometimes what one person thinks is a secret, the other person thinks is not a secret. For instance, a wife may hide her debts from her husband, who knew all along that from her lifestyle and spending, she probably had debts. It will come as no surprise — in fact, he may already know she has debts, so when she admits it, for him, it’s no big deal.When your spouse doesn’t consider your secret a secret.You may be hiding your sexual preferences for bondage or something kinky from her, and when you finally get up the guts to tell her, it doesn’t phase her at all — in fact, she figured all guys liked that. Or if he lies to you about something, you may say, “Oh, all men lie,” and brush it off, you may leave him stunned.In addition, some spouses think being a spouse means knowing everything about the other person, when the reality is that keeping the mystery alive can keep a relationship alive. Your spouse isn’t your buddy or your girlfriend and shouldn’t know everything about you. Keeping some things secret are not just appropriate — they’re vital.What shouldn’t you keep secret?It’s generally better to disclose money, family and health issues up front, as in, before you get married, there are boundaries you can keep. For instance, you probably should not tell your husband your entire past sexual history if it’s juicy. He wants to think he’s the best and the only one. While he may not have been the only one, you don’t have to let him know he’s number forty-six. Men want to have slept with more people than their wives did.What is it about secrets — and why does the internet prove such a confessional?The secret behind secrets is one word….control. Secrets, or keeping something from others, is a form of control. Confessing, is also a form of control, although it may not seem like it at first glance. Controlling what and when someone reveals a secret, as a confession, and to whom, is control.Confession on the internet — is a new form of confession because many people confess their secrets, while masquerading as other personalities. Therefore, it’s not a pure confession, it’s a derivation of a confession.In fact, before even confession, many people float confession trial balloons, where they anonymously, or masquerading as someone else, confess behavior they never actually exhibited, to see what the reaction to that behavior would be. Based on their experience of confession and reaction, they may actually behave in the way they already confessed that they had, or they may not. So confessing in this way can actually prevent certain behaviors.Becoming the audience or the absolver to a confessor also takes a new turn because of the internet. As a relationship expert with a website and a large following, I receive hundreds and thousands of letters and e-mails from people who want to confess and be absolved, or told what to do. And more than that, are the readers I have who actually comment and offer their own absolution or validation of a confessor’s behavior that is posted on the website through their letters and my advice columns.While this may seem strange, it’s not. In ancient Greek drama there is always an antagonist, a protagonist and a chorus. The modern audience who wants to read or listen to internet confessions is the modern day Greek chorus.It’s amazing what people get private about. Sex acts become normal, but reading your partner’s e-mail is private? Give me a break! If you’re sleeping with someone, and you have a committed relationship with them, you’re going to know things about them whether they give you permission or not — by accident or with intention.It’s equally amazing how the privacy factor becomes the focus of the hullaballoo rather than the information that is found out!So, here’s the lowdown:* If you feel the need to check your partner’s e-mail, you may be ignoring some yellow lights in the relationship that exist, but that you’re repressing. Maybe you don’t really trust your partner, and that’s the problem — not your checking his or her e-mail.* If you’re a nosy nelly by nature, then your partner has a right to know you, warts and all. Better to let them know that you’re going to be looking under the bed and going through mail than pretending you’re someone you’re not. Levels of privacy don’t have to be a deal breaker, depending on how big a discrepancy the two people in the relationship have.* If what you find when you check your partner’s e-mail is alarming, then I guess you didn’t/don’t know your partner as well as you think/thought you did. If they were trying to keep a secret from you, then you have to understand you’re with someone who keeps secrets. Can you stay with them? Or should you go? Is this a deal breaker for you?