Behavior: All About Arguments

What they are:

Arguments are when people disagree and make their disagreements vocal or written or express them in some way that involves engagement.

Why people have them:

Arguments are a way of engagement. People argue because they want to connect. They want their opinion heard by the person they’re arguing with or by someone who will overhear them.

Who has them?

People argue with those close to them. This means people they are emotionally close with and/or just plain old physically close with. Neighbors argue with each other because of their physical proximity. Team mates argue with each other for the same reason. So do family members — whether it’s sibling rivalry or spouses arguing.

What they argue about?

People argue about common issues. For instance, neighbors argue about the land that they have in common — whether it’s a border of land or dogs pooping on each other’s lawns or the way the neighborhood as a whole, looks and is maintained. Couples fight over the same things — the things that they have in common like child rearing, money, where and how to live and sex. Among other things.

Why they stop arguing?

People stop arguing because the problem that they perceive between them is gone — either by circumstance or because one of them made a behavioral adjustment. People stop arguing because they are distracted by other problems or good news. People stop arguing because their own chemistry changes, and the anger that they had that may have been caused or exacerbated by stress, hunger or something else, was alleviated, and the argument doesn’t seem important or worth their energy any more.

Tips to better arguing

1. Listen. You can’t listen if you’re talking. Don’t just be silent when someone else is talking — take in what they’re saying. Active listening is giving the other person cues that you’re listening by nodding, murmuring, “Uh huh…, I see….” so that you acknowledge receipt of their talk.

2. Don’t interrupt. Let a person have their say even if you can’t stand it. Practice the discipline of not interrupting.

3. Repeat what the other person has said before you go on to your next point. For instance, say, “I hear you saying…..” and then repeat what they said. This allows you to confirm what you heard, and if it is incorrect, this allows the other person to correct you so that there is less chance of misunderstanding.

4. Like a tennis game or a ping pong game, allow for back and forth. You take a turn, and then let the other person take a turn.

5. Learn to agree to disagree. If you are hell bent on convincing someone else of something, you may have a losing argument on your side. Focus on resolution, not winning.

6. Avoid violence. At the first show of violence, shut down the argument by taking a break or getting help. Violence is not arguing. Learn the difference.