Relationships: The 3 Stages - Maintaining Friendships With Married Friends

The 3 Stages: Maintaining Friendships with Married Friends.

Your friends got married and things are different. Here’s a quick guide
to dealing with the three stages newly married friends go through:

Stage 1) P.W. (post wedding) altered state: Newly married friends are
often in an altered state for about the first six months of marriage.
Everything looks differently to them. They’re looking at the world from
a newly settled in a state of bliss, and they want to share it (or,
depending on how you feel about marriage, infect you with it!). Ways
you can stay connected to your newly married friends during these six
months, immediately post wedding:

1. Offer to help with the wedding thank you notes. Or offer to watch
American Idol or O.C. with them while they write thank you notes.
2. Offer to help return wedding gifts that are doubles, etc. Or offer
to go shopping with them to make returns.
3. Offer to go over wedding photo proofs with them and arrange the
album.
4. Offer to have brunch or lunch to prevent wedding post-partum. The
last six months of the couples’ life has been focused on The Wedding.
Now that it’s over, they need to “de-brief” and talk about everything
that happened. They will love to hear your point of view about all the
details that they missed. But be prepared to let this be the main topic
for a while.
5. Go to other peoples’ wedding showers and weddings with them!
6. If the new husband is working late or busy, ask the new bride if
she wants to go out on the town, since you don’t have a date.

Stage 2) H.O. (Honeymoon’s over): After that six month PW (post
wedding) period occurs, another historical era in the newly married
life will occur. The honeymoon is over, and the settling in occurs. The
mother-in-law starts to become slightly painful. There are some
complaints about the toilet seat being left up. The shock of the joint
checking account begins, and your friends may need you to listen to
them vent at worst and ponder solutions to married questions, at best.
There also may be a gap between you if you have different experiences.
Your married friends may feel that they want to have advice, or the ear
of someone who is in the same boat that they are, in other words,
married. Here’s what you can do during this time:

1. Listen, and don’t pass judgment.
2. Ask them how things are going — not just the garden variety
questions, but things you really want to know. 3. Share stories of
your family members or friends who are going through the same thing, or
have gone through the same thing.
4. Offer up advice that starts: “If I were you…” or “I know I’m not
you, but if I were married….” and try to honestly put yourself in
their shoes.
5. Ask them to fix you up and double date.
6. If you want to see more of them than ever before, ask them to fix
you up!

Stage 3) NLC (no longer civilians): After one year of marriage, your
married friends are no longer civilians at marriage, but are officially
pros. Even Nick and Jessica took Newlyweds off the air after one year
because they recognize that they are in a different stage. At that
point in the relationship, your friends may be thinking about starting
a family, and this can separate your lives even further, as you become
more like Carrie from Sex and the City and they become more like
Everybody Loves Raymond. Don’t expect them to do singles things with
you the way they used to. But do be willing to meet up regularly for a
yoga class, a hike, a manicure, or shopping.

Remember: Life is dynamic. Changes are good. Be open, and accept all
the gifts that come your way - even when they’re wrapped in paper you
don’t recognize! Your married friends may have changed, but that
doesn’t mean they’re lost to you. In fact, they may be more valuable
than ever.