Marriage: How To Avoid Stuck-In-A-Rut Syndrome

Ruts are part of familiarity and any long term relationship will start to get familiar after a while. While some couples both bask in familiarity, others get bored and antsy. This can be a relationship warning light. Which is exactly when you have to do your work. (The red light signal is when you have an adrenaline addict as a partner — someone who is addicted to the rush of newness, and will never be able to settle down.) Here are ways to address the ruts mentioned, and maintain a healthy and satisfying relationship:

MEET THE RUTS

1. Dinner and a movie rut.

Shake it up in a number of ways: Drive in movies. Porn movies. Quit the dinner and a movie date altogether and do something completely different like shoot pool, go bowling, throw a party or take a sexy field trip to Victoria’s Secret and let him buy what you model for him in the dressing room!

Why it happens: Dinner and a movie is a great combo — like french fries and ketchup. That’s why it’s such a popular date activity. But like anything else, doing it time after time indicates you got lazy in your planning. Boredom is a signal that you need to do some more work in your relationship — or on yourself.

2. Both work all the time rut.

Go to a hotel for the weekend. Take your laptop computers with, but gradually ease out of the office rut this way. You’ll still have your work, but you’ll also have room service, the pool, the gym, etc. If this doesn’t shake you out of it, make a conscious decision to make “date time” where there is no work at all. If you can’t get out of this one on your own, see a therapist or couples counselor. If one or both of you has guilt as a motivator for making all work all the time a
priority, quit your own work to do some volunteer work together. That way you’ll still be doing something for a greater good, but you’ll be out of your regular work routine. There are even vacations where you can do this like Habitat for Humanity, Earthwatch and Greenpeace among others.

Why it happens: Fear of not enough money, which can be a historical family problem. Not wanting to be with your or girlfriend/boyfriend. Someone’s cheating and using the work as an excuse for being somewhere else.

3. Sex rut.

Buy 50 First Dates and The Next 50 Dates for a plethora of ideas on how to shake up the foreground — or foreplay — that comes (no pun intended) before the sex. After you do your reading homework. Shake things up by role playing, buy a sexual board game to get the ball rolling, start the evening with massages (either give them to each other, or have them given professionally) to loosen up your mind and body and get more in the mood. Try some new lingerie, a sexy wig, new make up — anything that will take you out of your old “self.” Same for
him! Some new clothes, a pedicure if he’s not used to getting them, or a new cologne can give him a new lease on his sex life.

Why it happens: Sex is fueled by the need to procreate and new-ness. That means that if you’ve procreated, and/or if you’re not a new couple any more, you need to do work to keep the X in your sex life. It’s a damaging myth that sex is always great and natural. The truth is that dips in interest are natural, and as a woman, your job is to keep the sex hot by keeping yourself inviting and intriguing. Don’t look at it as an onus. Look at it as a creative gift and challenge.

4. Put the kids to bed and watch TV rut.

Shake it up by locking the bedroom door and turning the bedroom into a retreat. Get rid of the television and anything that isn’t about relaxation and sex. The Chinese art of Feng Shui, or placement of furniture, houses, windows, doors, etc. is a great place to look for help. Keep the bedroom energy sexy. Get rid of the kids rectal thermometers and boo boo bunnies that are lying on the nightstands. Put What To Expect When You’re Expecting in the den or family room - not the bedroom. Light candles, put an electric fountain in here. Then get rid of the flannel pajamas and tee shirts you wear to bed, and sex it up a little. Your children deserve to see what a healthy, sexy set of parents looks like. You’re doing the entire family a favor by taking time out for sex.

If you can’t turn off the TV, cancel the cable service for one month as an experiment and see what happens!

Why it happens: Having children is exhausting! Sleep becomes just as much a valuable commodity as your salary. TV becomes a pacifier. It numbs you into a semi-sleep state and you get used to drifting off that way. Break the habit. Get into the habit of “de-briefing” the day with your spouse — maybe over a glass of wine, a bubble bath, and let it lead to a massage, sexy pjs, and sex. You’ll get better sleep in the long run, and a better relationship, too.

5. Only talk about TV/kids/house rut.

Shake it up by changing your environment. Make sure you and your husband or wife get out for a drink together — even if it’s just for an hour (this will be harder to do than it seems), on a regular (okay, semi-regular) basis. Go to a fancy restaurant bar — yes, a bar. Drink a glass of wine and talk about what you want to do that isn’t kids/family — but is about the two of you. Get a babysitter or a neighbor to watch your kids to do this — in fact, you can reciprocate for your neighbor and his/her spouse. An hour of babysitting is not asking too much of anyone. Another way to do this is to take care of your grown up needs — not necessarily the sexual ones — together.

You’ve probably neglected your bodies — the gym, yoga, running — do this together. Get your hair done together. You get a manicure while he gets a haircut. It’s a very sexy date. Go clothes shopping together — just for you, two. Don’t you dare go into the childrens’ department!!

Why it happens: Running a family is a monumental task and it is very easy to let it take over every waking moment and still not have everything done. The trick is to let some of it go. Let the dishes go for a night. Let the laundry go — no one was ever killed from wearing the same jeans two days in a row. Don’t make a homemade meal every night. Succumb to frozen pizza and salad in a bag. And then use these short cuts to give you and your spouse some time to yourselves to do the above shake it uppers.

6. Same old arguments rut.

The only way to get out of this is for you to decide you don’t want to do it any more. If you both agree to have the same arguments over and over — you will. If one of you takes a different road, it will force the other one to, also. Try doing what your spouse wants. Give in. Offer up a compromise that you’ve never suggested before. Think out of the box.

Why it happens: Lack of creativity and a commitment to arguing is why you get stuck. Do something different — do a whole lot differently — and you’ll be on to smoother sailing.

7. Hanging with the same old couples rut.

Shake it up by inviting new people to do things with you. This may mean that you have to start doing new things yourselves. Try a dance class together. A cooking class. Take a new language class together. Hit a new weekend vacation hotel and chat with people at the bar or the pool.

Invite new neighbors for dessert, or invite the neighbors who moved in a year ago, but you never met, for dessert. Hit a kids movie and a burger joint with your child’s friend and his or her parents to make it a family date.

Why it happens: You aren’t looking around at what’s new and fresh. You keep your eyes focused on what they’ve always been focused on. See what’s new in your own little world and you’ll find lots of treasures in friends, neighbors, the guy behind you in the carpool line!

Everything you need is at hand — open your eyes!