Behavior: Intimacy, Expectations and Gossip

Sharing information can be a therapeutic outlet that helps a spouse vent his or her feelings somewhere other than on the person they’re angry at or confused about. It also allows the spouse some feedback from a trusted friend or therapist about the situation that is being shared. In addition, some people process information by “talking it out,” and only when doing this, can they see things about their own behavior or situations that they wouldn’t if they hadn’t talked it through.

The problems come when two people in a relationship have different expectations about what should be shared, and with whom. A good way to alleviate this problem is to discuss with your spouse any “off-limit” subjects. If one spouse doesn’t want you to discuss sex life problems or fidelity problems with certain people, you should know this — and vice verse. Whether or not you agree is a second issue, but knowing what each other’s expectations are, is key.

The second phase of this alleviation of the problem is agreeing on what the subjects you can discuss with others are, and with whom you can discuss them. If one spouse doesn’t want anything discussed with anyone that is a deal breaking problem, because people need to share with others. It’s a human instinct and a sign of health. Ideally, spouses will agree on either a therapist, a member of the clergy and/or a friend or relative that the other person can talk to about problems.

Who not to talk to about problems:

An ex-spouse.

An ex-boyfriend or girlfriend.

A child.

A child’s teacher.

These are entirely inappropriate places for any member of a couple to open up about problems with the other member of the couple.

Office Gossip

Sharing information can be a therapeutic outlet that helps a spouse vent his or her feelings somewhere other than on the person they’re angry at or confused about, or that helps an employee vent his or her feelings somewhere other than on the employee or boss they’re angry at or confused about. It also allows the spouse some feedback from a trusted friend at work about the situation that is being shared. In addition, some people process information by “talking it out,” and only when doing this, can they see things about their own behavior or situations that they wouldn’t if they hadn’t talked it through.

The problems come when two people in a relationship have different expectations about what should be shared, and with whom. This relationship can be personal or business. Or a mixture of both. A good way to alleviate this problem is to discuss with your spouse any “off-limit” subjects. And if the gossip is about work, it’s great if there is office policy about what is appropriate and what is not appropriate to discuss and with whom and on what channels (e-mail, face to face, telephone, etc.) Whether or not you agree with the policy is a second issue, but knowing expectations, is key to good communication and productivity.

The Impact of Gossip

Gossip can spread like wildfire — especially with technology offering the speed for information that it does today. The problem with this speed is that sometimes the gossip can get misconstrued along the way, so it spreads quickly — and with misinformation!

Gossip can be helpful because it is information and if the information is correct and useful to someone, they can use it as a tool. The problem comes when it’s incorrect.

Gossip that spreads so far and wide that it gets to the boss or back to the person who started it can become a problem if it’s not quashed. The boss or the person who started it has a responsibility to set the record straight.

But more often than not, gossip is usually a cry for help in processing information and/or fears. People talk about things because they need to work something out and because the information that is the gossip triggers emotions.