Grandparent Gifts: What’s on Your Kids’ Wish Lists for Their Kids?

Kids get their sense of right and wrong from the people that they are around most — and that’s usually their mom and dad. So when children have ideas about their grandparents and what to ask for and what not to ask for, they may be channeling their parents.

Some children are very outspoken and say exactly what they want — and parents either gasp because the gift the child wants is “too expensive” or inappropriate. A neat trick for parents to try is doing nothing and not reacting. If a child asks a grandparent for something that the parent thinks is too expensive, let the grandparent be the one on the hook. Let the relationship between the child and the grandparent develop. The parent doesn’t have to protect the grandparent from the child’s wishes. Let the grandparent set their own boundaries.

If what the child wants is “inappropriate,” then the parent has two choices, in my book: The parent can talk to the grandparent about the inappropriateness of the gift privately and not in front of the child. The parent should be really clear with the grandparent and say something like, “I know Johnny wants this, but I do not want Johnny having this gift because it’s not appropriate for a boy his age — I wanted to tell you so we can be on the same page.” Sometimes the grandparent has no idea that a video game the child wants is wildly violent or that makeup a six year old girl wants is not okay in the parent’s house.

The other choice a parent has is let the grandparent do what they will, and then keep the house boundaries clear — when the child gets the gift that is inappropriate, the parent can confiscate it and tell the child, I’m going to hold on to this for when you’re old enough to understand it. And then, DO hold on to it — don’t throw it out. This tact can appear undermining to the grandparent, and should be used ONLY for relationships with grandparents who just don’t want to be on the same page as the parents. The first tact and dynamic, is the ideal, but we all know that there are lots of families and situations where the ideal is just that….an ideal and not a reality.

Another dynamic that often exists is that the child already feels shy about asking for things because a sense of what is appropriate to ask for has already been instilled. A way for grandparents to gain intimacy with their grandchild is to unleash their own inner child. Tell the grandchild, “Let’s make Christmas wish lists together!” Then both of you write down on a list what you want and discuss it. Grandma can write that she wants a new car or a new house as well as some new soap and a nice pair of pink slippers or a favorite book. When a grandparent opens up about their own feelings about gifts, it gives the grandchild a safe place to do the same, creates intimacy and self-esteem.