Behavior & Yom Kippur: A Time For Apologizes

Whether you’re Jewish or not, it’s a great time of year (even Santa’s going to check his list and find out who’s been naughty and nice) to atone. It’s so easy to pray and ask for things, but atoning and apologizing is hard for mere mortals because it requires taking personal responsibility — not one of our current generation’s strong points.

Here are some tips for apologizing and accepting an apology gracefully, at work, where most of us live!

Apologizing

The best way to apologize at work is to take the emotions out of the act, and keep the feelings about your business. In other words, don’t get all gushy about an apology at work.

The mistake people make at work, more often than not, is to cross boundaries. Your work is not your home life, and you should behave differently and with more reserve at work than you would at home in order to maintain a professional demeanor. So many people apologize at work, and get overly emotional, confusing their personal feelings with what it is that they’re apologizing for. Everybody has baggage and a back story, but if your father owed you an apology for 50 years, didn’t give it to you and died without apologizing, and the first person at work who apologizes to you is met with a torrent of emotions jthat you’re feeling about your father’s not apologizing, but is projected onto this co-worker, you’re going to confuse people, scare people and bring your baggage into the office.

Take care of your personal life and feelings outside of the office, so you don’t bring that baggage into the office any more than is absolutely necessary. This is an ongoing discipline. It is worth the work. It will release you to act professionally at work without so much baggage.

When you apologize, make the apology about the behavior. Not your feelings. You can say, “I’m sorry I did so and so because it was really not in the team’s best interest. I didn’t see it at the time, but I do now. I’m very sorry and I’m going to try not to make the mistake again.” Don’t talk about how nice or how mean someone is. Don’t talk about how you felt or how you made other people feel (as if you know!).

Accepting an apology

The same rule applies, which is make the acceptance or the non-acceptance about the behavior — not feelings. You can say, “I appreciate your understanding of the situation and your change in attitude. Thank you for the apology.” Or you can say, “Your apology is noted.” That’s for if you’re going to fire the person because all they do is screw up and apologize. You don’t have to be nice, but you may not be mean. Just note the apology for the record and move on with whatever it is you have to do.