Bullies — The Mean Girl Syndrome

Mean girls are bullies. The difference between girl bullies and boy bullies is that in general, boys have a more physical outlet and aggression. Girls have a more psychological aggression. Mean girls can drive others to great pain and even suicide, if they are vulnerable.

Mean girls learn to be mean — it is not inborn. They are mean because they do not think they have other ways of expressing their feelings or getting what they want. Again, this behavior is learned.

Mean girls who are bullies tend to attract other girls who are also bullies or girls who are used to being abused on some level, and are comfortable being bossed around by a bully and dishing out the same mean emotions that the bullies dish out.

Bullying is a form of abuse and must be taken seriously. Bullies are like vigilantes who are trying to remedy an inequity in some part of their life where they got the short end of the stick. The victim of the bullying usually has nothing to do with that original inequity. By giving the victim the short end of the stick, the bully feels vindicated in some way. He may also feel guilty, embarrassed, humiliated and other emotions as he relates both to the original bully who hurt him, and to the victim, who he is hurting.

If that sounds complicated, the bottom line is, abusers who don’t heal continue to abuse. Bullies are abusers and bullying is abuse.

Look for: Any signs of depression in a child may come from bullying. Look for bad moods without reason, clamming up, excessive sleep, your child bullying others and any signs of physical differences, such as ripped clothing, the child not having eaten lunch (if it was taken from him), scratches or bruises, intense weight gain or weight loss, nasty phone calls from other kids or nasty e-mails, etc.

Talk to: If you think you see signs of bullying, gently address your child. If the child is able to talk to you about the problem, the next step is to address a school counselor and ask advice. If the child is not able to talk to you, consult the counselor on your own without the child’s input. Let the counselor mediate between your family and the bully’s family, rather than taking it on yourself. Check in with the counselor the following week to see if they have any new advice or information. If the bullying continues, give the counselor one more try at mediation, and if that doesn’t work, address the problem in writing with the school vice principal.

The important thing is get the problem out in the open so that responsibility can be taken to remedy the problem. If you feel that your child’s school is not helping, consult with the pediatrician or a child psychologist for help.