The Rules for First Time Grandparents

First time grand-parenting can be a time of joy, or it can be a time of family battles.

Here are some rules for first time grandparents:

1. No matter how you did things when you are the mother, you need to take a big back seat to the new mother. She is the most important person at this time. If the mother fails, the baby suffers. Do whatever you can to support the new mother.

2. If the new mother does things differently than you do or your family does, adapt. This is not the time to criticize, attack or withdraw. If you have bad feelings, see a therapist or have lunch with your own friends, and vent privately. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything — send a gift instead.

3. If you are the grandparents-in-law, encourage your son to support his wife. Tell him to buy her a piece of jewelry or something that she would love, as a thank you for going through the birth and giving the family a child.

4. Most importantly, this is a difficult time for new mothers. Despite the joy of the miracle baby, hormones are crashing if she’s not breast feeding, and going whack-o if she is. She may have had a difficult birth. She may be in pain. She may have postpartum depression. Often, the mother is overlooked by the family at this point, because the newborn gets the spotlight. The most wonderful gift you can give, as grandparents, is to focus that spotlight back on the new mother, and support her in the world’s most difficult and important job, being a mother.