Behavior: Excuses for Bad Behavior?

Michael Vick has been fined $10,000 by the NFL for an obscene hand gesture toward fans. The player said, “I don’t know where it came from… That’s not me and that’s not my character.” Comedian Michael Richards used the same excuse for a racial tirade, and Mel Gibson did the same about his anti-Semitic remarks. Which leaves many wondering…

1) Why doesn’t anyone just say I’m sorry anymore?

People don’t apologize on the spot because:

* They lack courage. Apologizing is not for the faint of heart, in fact, it’s a tool of strong people, not weak people.

* Arguing has become an American sport. Apologizing ends an argument in most cases.

* Low self esteem disallows people to disassociate themselves with their position or their insult. People with low self esteem feel that if they change their position on an insult or an argument, they are weak or less than strong.

* Insulting people makes some people feel big. This is the dynamic of bullies.

* Many folks don’t know how to apologize. It’s not something they’ve been taught, have seen, have had role-modeled for them, or have gotten positive feedback for.

2) Is this a real apology?

An apology is a group of words. A strong apology is backed up with genuine feelings and remonstrative behavior.

3) If you do something, isn’t it “in your character”?

Yes. Behavior is character. However, there are people who are good people, but when they are stressed, they behave differently than they normally do. If someone is normally healthy, and they have to work an 80 hour week, they may get pneumonia. This doesn’t mean that they are normally sickly, but under these circumstances, they are. The same is true with bad behavior. If someone is under extreme duress, divorce, death in the family, moving, illness, etc. they may behave badly because they don’t have their normal resources.

4) Are we too judgmental?

It’s not that we’re too judgmental, we become focused on details instead of on the big picture. We lose the idea of the outcome instead of focusing on the salacious behavior. Mel Gibson has a real problem understanding people and needs help, but the focus is on his anti-semitism. Michael Vick has trouble disassociating himself with other people’s feelings about him, which is why he made obscene gestures at fans. Michael Richards wanted attention more than he cared about hurting people’s feelings.