Recognizing Powerlessness Over Life’s Trials Sets us Free

My Dad calls it “fighting life.” In AA they call it “self will run riot” or not “turning it over.” Whatever the verbage, a lot of us have control issues that shackle us to intolerable frustration every day of our lives. This phenomenon certainly doesn’t discriminate against non-drinkers either.  The phrase “dry drunk” is for abstainers who make themselves and everyone around them miserable while they play God. We all know at least one of these people. 

The need to be in control starts at different stages of development and for as many different reasons as there are people. I believe some are simply born that way and others pick it up, like baggage at the airport, somewhere in their travels through this existence. By the time we realize the affliction, it’s set in like obnoxious company. The eviction process is painful and hard but ultimately liberating.

I’ve worked in sales for years, probably the most toxic career possible for my personality. Yes, I’m driven, tenacious and competitive. I’m also a basket case when things don’t go according to MY plan. So for the better part of two decades I’ve alternately ridden waves of success and panic to the point of alcoholism, depression and self imposed esteem mutilation. Arrogantly, I’ve always believed I should be powerful enough to control all circumstances–people, places and things.

Things that have happened over the past several years–my son’s addiction and legal problems, job ups and downs, relationship issues–were only made worse with alcohol. The more I tried to anesthetize and control, the more out of control things got–internally and externally.

When I was half dead from self-abuse and stress, I began, only due to sheer exhaustion, to give in a tiny bit to the idea of letting go. I read some 12 step literature and I admitted powerlessness. What a relief. How many times, when you were a kid, did you wish someone would tell you not to worry about doing your chores or getting an A on a test? Now, we can do this for ourselves. In fact it’s imperative that we do it.

Today I automatically started to revert to my old way of thinking when I got my January revenue figures back at work. It was less than a banner month, as was December. I think we can all agree that the economy is not booming. I started to panic, imagining myself homeless and eating cat food from the porches of the more fortunate. I can take myself down quite a road when it’s me I’m relying on. Long story short, my program is working because no sooner than I made my five alarm call to my poor mother the switches all flipped. Things got clear and I knew exactly what to do. It just works that way.

I resolved that if things don’t pick up, I get a job outside of sales. I have some connections and I have some ideas about what I’d like to do. I start, right now, not spending money I don’t need to spend. Most importantly, I see things for what they are and I don’t beat myself up over something that isn’t within my control. Simple as that. I felt better than I’ve felt in weeks with the cloud of doom hanging around, threatening to burst. It disappeared. The reason it vanished is the same as the reason it appeared in the first place: I’m not the Events Coordinator of the universe. It’s like standing on the ground and gripping a piece of rope tied to a tree with every ounce of strength you can muster–for a month. What’s the point? Let go and you’re still standing in the same spot, on the ground, feeling infinitely more comfortable.