NASA: Depends Upon Astronauts

Please let let me indulge myself. I promise to be brief. Forgive me if you’ve already heard these questions or if they’re just downright cheesy.

Does it take a rocket scientist to get from Houston to Orlando without stopping for bladder relief? Doesn’t Lisa Marie Nowak’s mug shot look like Katie Couric after a heroin binge? If you’ve been to space and you allegedly try to kill someone, does it make you an astronut? And, finally, if you have a PhD in engineering and you want someone dead are you fully utilizing your skills by implementing pepper spray and a bb gun?

Okay. That was cleansing. Now, in all honesty, I feel so sorry for Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who gained some fame as part of Nasa’s Space Shuttle Discovery crew in 2006. She was a mission control specialist on that flight. Unfortunately she gained more fame this week after being accused of attempted murder. The pictures of her flashed on the news in July 2006 were completely, “girl next door makes family proud” looking. What a contrast with the one being flashed on every newscast today.

Surely I’m not alone in wondering what in the world (or out of it) happened. Was it the stress of overachievement? Just reading her bio stresses me out. Is it possible something happened to her brain in space, some kind of undetected oxygen depletion or something? Or was it simply, as initial reports suggest, a meltdown over a man? If it was the latter, she really does need an intense phsychological evaluation because, for the millionth time, ladies…THEY AREN’T WORTH IT!!!

Good God, what a shame! And I hate to go Rosie on you but if that Colleen Shipman (the reported victim and romantic rival) doesn’t look like an uptight little possum I don’t know what does! Let him have her. She definitely looks like she needs a little debriefing. I heard on the news that her neighbors call her “the little general.” How cute.

And personally (not that NASA’s called for my take yet) I think this guy, astronaut Bill Ofelein, should have his feet (among other things) put to the fire. I’m convinced–prior to investigation, of course–that he was probably jerking Nowak around. How many people leave their husbands and take their diaper-clad bodies several states away for a potentially violent confrontation because of unreturned affections? Doubt it.

And if he is determined to be a player his career needs to be just as over as Nowak’s certainly will be. You can’t just be launching your rocket whenever you feel like it Bill. Just ask Hillary.

Anyway, this story promises a lot of interesting details in the days and weeks to come. And all sarcasm aside, I really do hope Lisa Nowak will eventually be okay. It’ll be a long time before I can stop laughing about the Depends part of the story though. Unless, of course, my boss issues the memo I’ve been half waiting for…the one about adult diapers being part of the sales staff’s new dress code in an effort to increase sales call percentages.