As We Forgive Those…

If you’ve ever had a really close friendship with someone and a blowup ended that relationship, you probably know it gnaws at you. You may not think about that person for a long time but little things come into your mind when you least expect them to, reminding you of that person’s importance in your life.

Once your anger has cooled (sometimes years after the fight) you can actually smile about something they said or did, you wonder how they’re doing and what’s going on in their life.

Tonight I called someone I hadn’t spoken with in nearly ten years because I owe her amends. I’m in a recovery program that requires righting these kinds of wrongs. They say we won’t get better without taking this action. I believe them and I’m not taking any chances. I’ve been nervous about it because I’m not used to admitting when I’m wrong. I can justify and excuse just about anything I do. The problem with that, I’m learning, is that the poison doesn’t leave with the person I send packing. It stays with me and it festers. I justified my actions in this situation for years but, oddly enough, when I had to make my list of people I had harmed over the years, she was very close to the top.

I listen to so many stories from people who’ve successfully journeyed in 12 step programs and when you hear the sincere joy in their voices and sense the liberation of their spirits as they talk about the amends process, you just know you have to march bravely forward–if you want to be free.

I’m close to people who can’t forgive and who harbor terrible anger toward others. It’s scary and I don’t want to be that way. Being that close to someone who withholds forgiveness and never asks for it, has allowed me to see how dangerous resentment and judgement are. I’ve heard it said that being angry is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. So true. It really does only hurt us and it spreads like a plague. That means it hurts more than just us which is like sending spiritual agent orange into the universe. This can’t be good karma. And I don’t know about you but I’m really nervous when it comes to karma. I try to stay away from the bad kind.

Open mindedness about spiritual things has never been a problem for me but I may have snickered or scowled just as much as the next guy when hearing flowery platitudes about spreading positive vibes like stardust and love reaching around the world, carried on little fairy wings. But, you know what? This cynic stands nakedly corrected on so many things that it’s mind boggling–although probably only to me because I’m pretty sure I was the only one bowing at my own feet.

For the first time in my life, I’m learning the importance of humility. I’m seeking it even harder than I sought  superiority because I believe the key to happiness and peace is found there. Tonight I was humbled when I made that call. I was also grateful that it was met with pleased surprise and understanding. During the conversation I heard the things that made us friends in the first place and I learned that we ended up, though traveling separately, at very nearly the same place on the path. I only made an appointment to deliver this amends because I’m told it should be done in person but just doing that made me feel freer. And I’ll bet that I’m about to find out exactly what those who walked this road before me insist is true. This will be a gift to me.