The Teachings of Toads

My friend has taken to calling her ex-husband her “spiritual teacher.” Generally followed by a loud cackle. She’s joking but she’s also not because she’s learning that people who vex us the most really are teachers to us if we allow them.

Her divorce and the following eight years were brutal. She married this guy when she was 17 and he was just out of college. Today she realizes a large mistake on her part, but one easily made by young girls, was making him her “higher power.” He’s a domineering guy and her deference and adoration only made him more so.

He controlled everything in their marriage and still tries to control everyone around him. Life is the greatest teacher and it has taught her that his apparent strength is actually weakness disguised. But the early misconception and the AK 47 blast to the fairy tale can really dismantle the psyche of the worshipper. This happens to so many women.

Don’t get me wrong. We’re not the only victims. The poor princes are left scratching their heads and really hurting from their throne topplings. They were given permission to rule and they can’t understand when the subjects become unruly. The resentments pelt them and they launch a steady counter attack.

Guys like this learn early on that they make the decisions and bark the orders while people around them scramble to meet their approval. Unfortunately that bar goes higher and higher, always out of reach, until the wife stops trying to grasp it and just turns away throwing bitterness at the gallantly misinformed bar holder. He’s mad. She’s mad. The roles are so entrenched, damsel and knight, that to restructure them into a working partnership is all but impossible.

Although painful, it’s easy enough logistically for women to remove themselves from the situation. The emotional clutches are a different story. In my friend’s case, there are four minor children involved as well as her own spirit, crushed after entrusting it to someone who misused the power he was given. To this day it frustrates her that he is able to re-crumple her self worth with hateful accusations and appraisals. He, of course, does it because he’s incapable of seeing his part in pushing her away. It’s more comfortable for him to continue manipulating her through blame and tossing failure, like a hot potato, into her hands.

But painful as it’s been for her she’s learning about herself and beginning to understand his motives. And those are all rooted in fear, insecurity and lack of insight. She sees that his behavior isn’t just reserved for her. It’s demonstrated toward people in every part of his life. My friend is on a spiritual path where she’s been made aware that the actions of others aren’t a reflection of her. A hard lesson for most of us. Once we get it the road is so much smoother.

Laughter is definitely the best medicine when it comes to this scenario. It diffuses the percieved threat and dilutes the villain. We get a lot of mileage out of her ex’s antics. Turning him into a caricature is our most enjoyable pastime and we understand how Jay Leno feels about politicians. Never a shortage of material. This fodder helps her grasp his human frailties instead of suffocating under her own.