Cruising–What a Way to Go!!

Cruises are like Disney World for adults. My first experience was about five years ago. It was just a short one to the Bahamas but I was enthralled from beginning to end. As soon as you complete the customs rigamarole and cross the threshold to the ship, it’s pure magic. I kept looking at all of the glass and brass in awe. I was drinking then so the ice tinkling in the glasses at the various bars made me VERY thirsty. So thirsty, in fact, that our bar tab for the two day tour was over $300. Worth every penny, I might add.

When I saw the first lunch buffet I almost passed out. This, I thought, is heaven. By the second day, I knew I was in trouble. Compelled to eat a hamburger from the pool deck grill on the way to the inside lunch buffet, I realized I was losing control but I didn’t care. No perk went unnoticed by me. I loved the way the hash browns were different shapes from one day to the next. And, even after my third cruise, I was still fascinated by the towel animals the room stewards made, always adorned by my sunglasses. In three cruises I never saw the same animal twice. Now that’s class.

Our second cruise was to Mexico and I think that was my favorite. I’ve never seen water so blue. The first day, at sea, was the most relaxing day I can ever remember. The violet water and flying fish captivated me. The first cruise was on Royal Caribbean and the second on Carnival. I liked Carnival much better than I thought I would but the food is definitely better on Royal Caribbean.

If you’re not hell bent on getting all gussied up, I recommend just doing the casual buffet for dinner. First of all, the view is way better because you can see the panoramic ocean views while you eat instead of just looking at the fancy walls in the formal dining room. We tried that the first night of the first cruise and got seated with a very drunk, extremely obnoxious military guy and his wife. He was yelling, whistling at the waiters and told every detail we didn’t want to know of his personal life. It was like every Randy Quaid movie you’ve ever seen. From then on, we opted for the bourgeouis buffet, where you can eat whenever you want, wear whatever you want, don’t have to spend $50-$100 in tips, and have so many food choices it’s almost criminal.

Our last cruise was also on Carnival. The food wasn’t nearly as good as it was on the second. Probably a direct reflection of the sagging economy. It was also a longer cruise–Bahamas, Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico and Turks. The price was right so, for that long and that many ports, they probably weren’t about to feed us their finest food. But you still can’t beat what you get. We saw two bartenders from our cruise to Mexico and got to know them even better. By now, we had a routine. Up at 5:30am for coffee and quiet time awaiting the sunrise on the deck. Hearty-doesn’t-begin-to-cover-it breakfast and then…bloody marys in the hot tub. God, I’m going to miss that.

By the time that’s all out of the way, it’s time for a beer and so the days go. I smuggled my own wine aboard the second trip. My unsavvy approach involved a big overnight bag and beach towels to house two huge GLASS jugs of Carlo Rossi. Bad move. The shards arrived with the rest of our luggage shortly after embarkation. Note to self: Next time buy the boxes of wine. And that’s what I did. Worked out much better. A small bottle of ship wine comes with a $20 corking fee. If you want to drink it while you’re on the ship, they’re going to charge you to open it. Boxed wine is definitely the way to go. Even with that plan in place, I’m too ashamed to report the amount of our bar tab for the seven day cruise. AA is saving me a fortune, in more ways than one.

As for the ports on that third cruise, I had always wanted to go to St. Thomas but I was not terribly impressed. It’s dirty, commercial, impoverished (for the most part) and, although the coolest sea turtle I’ve ever seen swam right in front of me, overall I wasn’t thrilled with it. The rainforest in Puerto Rico was beautiful but not as colorful as I expected and the city is just a city. I’m told you don’t want to venture into it alone so we didn’t. 

The water everywhere was beautiful as you’d expect. But the most beautiful place of all was Grand Turk. Everything there is pristine because the port is brand new. The water is beyond aqua and clear as it can be. Famous for it’s massive coral reef structure, I can only hope we don’t completely screw it up too. We saw a whale in the water as the ship left port and we spent $40 for two beers and two hamburgers at Margaritaville. C’mon Jimmy! Sellout!!

All in all I have loved the cruise experiences. I don’t know if I’ll ever do another one because, even though there are AA meetings aboard the ships, I have way too many good memories of passing lots of time contemplating the Caribbean with a really nice buzz. It’s not worth the risk. As far as I’m concerned cruises are the best bang for the buck–especially since being 4,000 feet in the air doesn’t hold a lot of appeal for me. And I love nothing more than being on the ocean.

The only downfall is coming back. I stalk around my kitchen looking for the buffet. Wobbling on my sea legs, I hurl my pillow against the wall because there are no chocolate mints and I’m appalled when I’m expected to do the dishes. And when I’m sitting in my 9am sales meeting instead of in the jacuzzi with my bloody mary, life seems abominably unfair.