Forget the Doula Hoola–Just Have the Baby

I have a friend, about ten years older than I am, who is an old fashioned, salt-of-the earth type. She’s from the midwest and is staunch about certain things like God, America and family. She constantly says things like, “If people would just do right…” Now, she’s not boring, mind you. This statement is often followed by an expletive or two that may seem, to the untrained ear, to contradict her values but her colorful language just adds to her charm.

She was raised in the fifties by two people who were also very colorful but practical, sensible and sensitive to the needs of others. I tease my friend about being the Statue of Liberty personified when she gets on her soapbox about people not being patriotic. I laugh at her when she talks about how people would do well to be more aware of God and His many blessings. I laugh because of the words, with key letters like GD and F that follow, purely for emphasis.

But she does live her values. She goes to the ends of the earth for her family, and for jewelry–and sometimes jewelers–in Greece. Compassion overflows from her heart and she has the most consistently positive attitude. But what I really love about her is her complete and utter disdain for nonsense.

My friend thinks doulas are nonsense. I hadn’t even heard that word until this week when she told me about it over sushi. Her eldest daughter, a wonderful young woman with a pure, loving spirit, is about to give birth to her second child. This young mother is very earthy and activism oriented. She’s like a modern day version of a flower child. Her ideas and practices are esoteric to say the least. And she truly doesn’t mean to drive her mother crazy. It just kind of happens that way.

They got past the no Christmas tree (”because we’re pagans”) thing this year. I’m sure the subject will be revisited in 7 months but, currently, there are more pressing issues. And one of them is pressing on her bladder and her mother’s mind simultaneously. 

A doula, as I understand it, is the latest crock…er…racket…I mean to say…fad (that’s as open minded as I can be) in baby having. Every group of young mothers has to have their distinctions I suppose. But they don’t understand they aren’t gaining anything by having kids underwater, swaddling them until they can’t breathe, stimulating them nine new ways to Sunday, etc.

Girls, this thing has been being done for a very long time. There’s no medal at the end for endurance, not even after the truly hard part, which I like to call teenage hell. I’ve never heard one person declare the unmatched stamina of another during childbirth. It just doesn’t matter.

The less pain the better because, if you must be a martyr, it’s better for the baby. The faster the process, the better it is for the baby. Did I mention that a doula gets about $1,000. to get in your face and coo or whatever while you’re in labor? That’s pretty much it. You can train your best friend to do that for free. If she’s a really good friend, maybe she’ll let you tell everyone she’s a doula. It seems to be important to young mothers to have catchy new names for age-old birthing accoutrements. The whole process just simply doesn’t change that much over time. I’m sorry to report. It’s necessary, not trendy or glamorous no matter how you try to dress it up.

My friend told her daughter that she will “kill” her and the doula if “that baby’s cord gets wrapped around her neck and something happens to her.” Then she asked her daughter what she needs for the baby. The daughter said she has pretty much everything but, “If you want to contribute to the doula fund…” No, my friend does not want to contribute to the doula fund and I almost projectiled my sushi across the restaurant when her initial response to the request was replayed for me. Bulging eyes, gritted teeth and some darn foul language probably not befitting any self-respecting doula. But it was funny!!

If you ever want to get rich, just call yourself something that sounds cool and present yourself to the public. If the name catches on, you might find yourself making six figures replacing people’s toilet paper. I swear to God. And market whatever you’re doing to emotional young (and sometimes not so young) women who want to one up their friends…you’re set for life.

I’m sure doulas are very nice people–even though they sound like a form of extra terrestrial. I’m sure some of them may even get a little training…from a Super Doula at Doula U or wherever. But, honestly, I’ve given birth. There are plenty of people in the room, key people like the doctor, nurses, chosen family members. What’s another person–other than, in this case, $1,000 out the window?

I did it with lots of whining and Demerol. The outcome was the same.