Disturbances–Tropical and Emotional–Strengthen from the Inside Out

In AA we learn that we can only be disturbed if we’re disturbable. That means our defects of character are showing. Pride, ego, envy, self-pity, self absorption or any number of negative emotions mushrooming into negative actions. The program teaches us to identify negative feelings and squash them with positive thoughts and actions before they harm us in the forms of relationship problems, work problems, depression, anger, resentments or, worst of all, relapse.

So the other morning I was blindsided when, after awakening to a perfectly good state of mind, getting to work to find everything running smoothly, I went out on the road to make my sales calls and, lo and behold, everyone had turned certifiably insane overnight. They were wasting my time with idle chit chat. They asked me to come back because they were busy with customers. When I went back they were out buying supplies. They were totally screwing up my day.

Before I knew it, I was in a complete mental frenzy. I was disturbed alright but this time, this one time, it wasn’t me!! It was all of them. I called a few people I know and they agreed with me. They were having the same kind of day–inconsiderate drivers, disorganized customers. They agreed there was something in the air and it wasn’t just me. Then I called another alcoholic. Big mistake. “Well of course it’s you,” she said matter of factly. After making a mental note to throw that one back in her face at a future time and vulnerability, I took a tentative peek at myself.

There, in their most polished form, were my defects–smiling cheerily, waving like they were at a Yankees game, crowding out my self righteousness. For me, it goes right to a step I’m not working. In that case it was immediately apparent that I was keeping my will, clutching it as one would a kitten in a hurricane. I wasn’t turning anything over to my Higher Power that day. And I’m supposed to turn  everything over every day. I just forgot. Sometimes I do that.

What was happening was my schedule was not being adhered to and, in my extreme disdain, I forgot a few simple things. Things like, I’m not that important and it’s not all about me. Other people are not responsible for making sure I have a perfect day each and every day. It’s only a big deal if I make it one. Oh, and breathe. I forgot to do that for about three hours that day. I tend to imagine I have a portable ventilator and I stop breathing on my own when distracted. Since I don’t actually have a portable ventilator, extreme discomfort and something close to arrhythmia occurs while I’m busy making mountains out of molehills.

Since step two is, “Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity,” my smarty-pants AA friend also had to remind me that, not only was I not doing step three, I didn’t even give step two enough props to recognize that I wasn’t doing that one either. I think she was trying to say I was tiptoeing around insanity again. Which was absolutely correct. I was so entrenched in my thoughts and feelings, rocket fueled by my still lurking defects that I honestly couldn’t see my part in the wacky equation.

And you don’t have to be an alcoholic for this to happen, by the way. We’re just a little better at it than most. I started to write about intolerance here because that’s what I was experiencing that day–extreme intolerance–but this account has taken on a life of it’s own. Intolerance is a great subject for another blog because most of us can relate to that only too well.

Self scrutiny has been identified throughout the ages as a freeway to spiritual enlightenment and inner peace. It’s not just for alcoholics. Many religions and philosophies prescribe honest, HONEST, HONEST self appraisal for spiritual ills. That word honest is very important. I can’t tell you how many people (myself included) spout platitudes like whale water but don’t partake of the plati, only the ‘tudes. As in atti. If each person refuses to look outside for the problem, guess what?? There won’t be any. If we go straight inside to look for the problem, guess what again?? If we’re honest, we’ll always find it there. Then what? Then we go to the solution without involving another soul. Does that sound like the road to peace or what?

I’ll practice it if you will. I have to anyway.