My Son’s Eclipse Part 2

My world was irrevocably altered the night my son CJ overdosed on hallucinogenic mushrooms.

Upon reaching the hospital and being ushered into triage, I was met by one cold nurse who immediately told me he may have “fried his brain.” She and the doctor looked at me through narrowed gazes, “operating” with their own presumptions that I was a bad parent and this was all my fault. I hadn’t even had time to adjust to what was happening and these two were firing judgments through their Hippocratic cannons.

Seeing CJ seizing on the hospital bed and hearing the screams originating from the darkest recesses of his psyche made everything horrifically surreal.

By the grace of God, he was released from immediate danger that night and we were able to take him home. He denied ingesting anything, became defensive and belligerent–a person I no longer knew. I called parents, the school, and treatment facilities. We got him into outpatient drug treatment right away.

His journey and ours, however, had just begun. Evidently he liked the escape into a world where certain sensitive people feel they can leave harsh reality behind. He moved out of our home and in with his grandmother just weeks following his eighteenth birthday, less than a month after starting treatment. The move and the fact that he was a legal adult prevented us from being able to get him the help he needed.

Family members seemingly abandoned us as they coddled and enabled him into believing he was right and we were wrong. They didn’t mean any harm. They too were desperate to help him and that desperation clouded their judgment and fueled a raging fire that would escalate to more drug and alcohol abuse, eventual eviction, and jail.

Already on probation for two 2005 convictions, CJ recently, (a result, once again, of drugs, drinking, and demons) pivoted away from everyone’s best advice and was arrested for brandishing a firearm in public. This has led to two counts of violation of probation as well as the certain issuance of two new felony convictions for assault. It feels like quicksand.

Five months in county jail have given him time to read, reflect, and regret. Prior to this, he was only worried about impressing people he mistook for friends, resisting the natural progression that is growing up, and opposing authority with a vengeance indicative of years of accumulated resentments.

Helpless and alone, I have developed my own resentments. My husband, Cal, has washed his hands of our son. In his mind this just proves Cal was right all along. He cannot see that CJ’s behavior was not felonious from infancy, when Cal’s resentments toward him arose. “Self-fulfilling prophecy” is what glares at me from my husband’s podium. But I have learned I cannot change people, places, or things.

Actually, I’ve learned quite a bit throughout this macabre ordeal and I imagine my education is not complete.

Although I considered myself a good parent, I now understand how fragmented I was. Youth and immaturity allowed me to be governed by material things, career goals, and other egotistical pursuits. I took care of my child and I loved him but I wasn’t calm or focused in my approach. Superwoman Syndrome had me in its talons and I was spastic, at best, most of the time.

Early on I chose alcohol as a coping strategy. The house wasn’t perfect–drink. Someone died–drink. Cal wasn’t being the ideal husband and father–drink. Friends, family, and co-workers offended or disappointed me–cheers!

The message I delivered was one of fear, insecurity, anger, and lack of self control. Guess what? That’s what came back.

So, three months ago, when I found myself and my thoughts whirling frighteningly out of control, I put down my wine glass and picked up the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, got to a meeting or fifty, and welcomed some semblance of sanity–one day at a time.

I am glad to have the story of CJ out because it is a tough one to tell. I’ll refer to him and his situation periodically as he deals with his consequences. The co-dependant mother in me wanted, so badly to type, “as WE deal with his consequences.” And I will continue to share the lessons to be learned and the blessings bestowed when life is lived on life’s terms as well as how strength is gathered for enduring hardships when there is no other choice.

Thanks for reading and take care today.