Acceptance–Letting Go Helps You Hold On

I’m sitting outside of the county jail, waiting for my weekly visit with my son. The baby mamas are here, some pregnant, some with their kids. Most are aggravated at the guy in orange who is somewhere in the bowels of the red, brick fortress surrounded by razor wire. These are video visits, probably a good thing.

I’ve thought a lot this week about acceptance which I’ve only recently begun to understand. I was always a life fighter, control freak. At some point I decided I was all powerful and that I had control over people and events. I experienced major frustration as a result.

Making myself and everyone around me crazy with volatile outbursts when things weren’t going perfectly, according to Erika, was my hallmark. Trying to exceed quotas at work and excel at running a household and raising a child made my skin break out in cystic acne and my temper was explosive as I reacted to everything around me. My heart raced constantly and I drank–a lot.

A few years ago when things really became out of control–my son’s drug and alcohol abuse and his complete disregard for the law–I clung even harder to order. I tried to live his life and mine, fighting, kicking, screaming for perfection.

It’s been said that you have to hit rock bottom before you can look up and whether I hit it or not remains to be seen but it sure felt like it about three months ago. After I realized my problems were worse with alcohol and Ativan, I started reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and getting to meetings. I started reading everything I could get my hands on about ego and surrender.

In the process I faced the fact that my son is on his own path, facing his own consequenses and that I did not put him where he is, nor did I neglect him or in any other way pave his road with bad intentions.

I learned that we all have a higher power and that when things are out of control, we are generally not paying attention to the right things. We are, as they say, “self will run riot.” The “gift of desperation” is another good phrase because those dark times when we are powerless and despairing spawn clarity and appreciation for things we were looking right past.

This wave has had me for awhile now but it occurred to me the other day that I have reached acceptance. When you aren’t fighting to be happy, just moving along recognizing that maybe you aren’t overjoyed 24/7 or even ever, if that’s the case, you come to realize you also aren’t manically miserable either. You accept what your situation is, doing whatever is needed in the midst of it. You find pleasure where you can–reading, learning, walking, shopping, birdwatching…whatever it is–and you deal with the junk only when and as much as you have to. The rest you just let go.

I don’t know if it was repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over, hearing other people’s stories and getting out of myself, feeling so badly for so long, reading about letting go of pride and ego while turning things over to a higher power. I don’t know, maybe all of the above.

I do know that consciously letting go of ego and expectations combined with trusting in a power greater than myself was a huge relief which released me from the stronghold. I stopped struggling. Picture yourself in a big sack with your legs and arms bound. Imagine how exhausted you’d get from struggling against the restraints. And you’d likely get no reward for your efforts. That is life. Relax and save your energy. Watch what happens. That’s what I’m doing and so far it’s working better than the other way.

The baby mamas were frustrated today. They are young and have a lot of responsibility. They can’t get this person they care about and need to stop doing whatever got them in there. We can’t control people, places, and things. I really felt for them but I felt it from a detached place and that felt good.