Other People’s Behavior–It’s Not About You

Working with the public is a great way to find out whether or not you have homicidal tendencies. I have been in sales and customer service since I started working at 16. What I find most interesting is how my perspective has changed.

Working part time in a grocery store as a teenager may not have been a fair test of my people skills. I never wanted to be there and it probably showed. Still, I remember grouchy people being irritation numero uno. To this day, I thank anyone who scans my purchases or waits on me and I treat them with tremendous respect.

Tomorrow I have to go to work and deal with a real pill of a guy who advertises with me. Make that advertised with me. He fell into a snit a few weeks ago after rushing me to change his ad right away and when he hated it–probably premeditated–we didn’t have enough time before deadline to go back to the drawing board. He claimed some wording he didn’t want was put in the ad. Even though his wife provided the ad copy and we’re not in the habit of being quite that creative, I didn’t argue. He bellowed and raged as if we’d set  his building on fire. Then he dropped the ad. Frankly I’ve gotten to a point where, commission or no commission, some people aren’t worth dealing with. He became one of them.

I can’t believe what overgrown babies people can be. Whenever someone throws a three year old temper tantrum like that, I’m so tempted to tell them that if this is their biggest problem today, they should drop to their knees and thank their God for it. But I can’t so I just think it.

When I was younger I took these outbursts so personally. I always felt like they were assaulting my character and, honestly, I used to defend my character very hotly. It actually worked more often than not but, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that defensive tactics are not good business outside the NFL or NBA. Now, I just shut my mouth and let them rant. Sometimes it feels like my eyeballs are going to roll back into my head and come out my ears but I remain silent and calm. The books and seminars were right but I always insist on taking the scenic route to learning and I had to learn my own way.

The best bit of information I ever read was in a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Chapter three, “The Second Agreement” is, “Don’t take anything personally.” When I first saw that over six years ago, I zeroed right in. I knew I had a terrible problem with taking things personally and being paranoid in both my personal and professional lives. It caused me a lot of heartache and anger. What Ruiz says about this, quite simply, is that people’s behavior toward you is not about you, it’s about them. I guess we’ve all heard this but sometimes the timing or wording has to be just right.

In my case, I read  on and the author indicated that taking things personally is actually very self-centered behavior. This hit me like a truck. I had always considered myself very unselfish and thought I put others before myself. Not in my thinking, I discovered. I thought everything was about ME, good, bad, or otherwise.

I started paying attention. Did this person who seemed to have it in for me act this way toward others too? Again, I shut up and started watching and listening. You know what? Yes that person did. And so did every other person I observed. I began to use the phrase “across the board” constantly regarding other people’s behavior.

I resisted my prior urges to “fire back” at people when they did or said something I found offensive. I took a certain superior pleasure in watching them act out and took myself out of it, mentally wagging my finger at their words and deeds. This wasn’t really right on my part but it helped me through that part of the process.

Things turned around. There is a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous: “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” Letting verbal and written judgment rest elsewhere definitely made me feel better about myself and I felt more mature keeping my mouth closed. Those things made me much happier.

This applies 100% when dealing with the public. People always have something going on. They are in some sort of crisis whether it is their health, concern over a loved one or the fact that their vacuum cleaner broke and there is an unsightly piece of lint on their carpet. Some people have a very low crisis threshhold. Whatever it is, they tend to take it out on whoever is in front of them.

The guy I have to deal with this week takes himself way too seriously. He sells fencing–for God’s sake–and he acts like he’s in charge of the Pentagon. He has no sense of humor. He appears to be loaded (financially not alcoholically) and evidently hasn’t had a REAL problem in a while–Type A personality to the max.

I’ve given him some time to stew without arguing, cajoling, or pestering him. I’ll call him and ask professionally if he’d like us to fine tune that ad for him. More than likely someone else has frosted his turnips by now and he’ll be okay with me. If not, it’s his problem and I can find other business to make up for the loss. I’ve been doing this long enough that I can essentially pick who I want to conduct business with. Time is money. If they whine and pick and monopolize, I’m losing time. Thankfully, there are still plenty of reasonable, considerate people out there and instead of falling into a heep of hurt feelings and tears, I just forge ahead and find them.

The same should be said for personal relationships. If the same unpleasant things keep happening with the same people, it’s time to distance yourself and surround yourself with people who have enough sense to consider your feelings and care about your well being.