The “Pill-Grims” and Indians

In observance of this national historic holiday, I’ve changed our last name. For the purpose of this particular blog, my husband and I will be called the Pill-Grims. It’s perfect actually because, as neighbors, we can be pills and, with regard to most of our neighbors, things can get grim.

We live in a fairly rural area but close to everything, if that makes any sense. We’re on six acres surrounded by a state wildlife refuge and forest. This is one thing we really did right as youngsters because everything has been developed but the area around us can’t be. It’s quiet with lots of wildlife–deer, heron and other birds, turtles, bear, etc..

However, like a lot of rural areas, the people are rather fond of letting down their hair in many varied, and often inappropriate, ways. There were the swingers across the street. She had two huge dragon tattoos on her rear. You might ask, “Why do the Pill-Grims know about these tattoos?” The answer is simple. She showed them to us–unbeckoned of course. They decided to turn an outbuilding into “Shag City” with red walls, cameras, neon palm trees, hot tub and a collection plate by the door. (Mrs. Pill-Grim heard about these accoutrements from their realtor, by the way). They really went all the way on that one. Their yard became a parking lot every Friday, Saturday, and holidays. The Pill-Grims did not take kindly to this and harrassed them until they moved.

Years before that we had the fueding families on either side of us. One woman had five kids she didn’t know how to handle so she simply drank around the clock and stumbled regularly down the road to our other neighbor’s home. Neighbor number 2 had three kids and an overmedicated, unmotivated husband who developed the hots for the drunk blonde, neighbor number 1, who apparently motivated him a great deal. On occasion guns were pulled. Police and the Department of Children and Families frequented our fine community as they tried to sort out their differences. Finally, they all moved on.

Then there was the crackhead who tried to squat in the place next door, asking if he could run an extension cord to our house to “borrow” electricity. That elicited a resounding NO from the Pill-Grims, preceded by another word, accompanied by some threats, a call to the police and soon he was on his way too.

More recently we have the mentally challenged woman who  lives with a man who is not mentally challenged, just plain weird. He’s a Howdy Doody looking guy who would rather run five fans in August in Florida than get a job and enjoy air conditioning. He collects vehicles which don’t run, bought and rehabbed the place next door to him, only to let it sit empty while he goes to shelters for free holiday meals. The woman has been known to wander up here and ask Mrs. Pill-Grim if she might partake of Mrs. Pill-Grim’s air conditioning and peruse Mrs. Pill-Grim’s closet. We now enjoy a relationship much like that of Sean Penn and  the paparazzi. Don’t get me wrong, I feel for her condition but the whole thing is too weird.

So, that brings me to this day where we celebrate the feast held between the Native Americans who loved, enriched, and cultivated this beautiful land of ours and the original pilgrims (as opposed to your recent acquaintances, the Pill-Grims).

And we have a new neighbor next door. He is about 5′2″ tall. He evidently really enjoyed the eighties because he has kept his mullet hairstyle in tip-top shape, the back just about reaching his beltline. He has a strong New England accent–I think he’s from New Hampshire–and he claims to be a full-blooded Native American, a descendant of one “Snapping Turtle.” His name is Bobby. His eyes are quite round and hazel. His hair is dirty blonde, leaning toward light brown and he is almost diminutive in stature. But, he seems to enjoy nature and riding his bike to the mailbox with his compound bow on his back. He’s pleasant enough and really doesn’t bother anyone.

The Pill-Grims have become concerned, however, about the lack of deer sightings since he moved in and, the other day, he mentioned to “the mister” that he was cultivating a food plot right beneath his tree stand in the back yard. So, as unfortunate as it may seem, the Pill-Grims may have to dial up the fish and game folks and let them have a little talk with Snapping Turtle’s grandson.

Now, it is true that every cloud has a silver lining because just the other day Bobby informed Mr. Pill-Grim that he (Bobby) is about to become the envy of the entire neighborhood–no small feat as you might imagine. It seems Bobby is purchasing a 17′ (yes, seventeen foot) teepee to place in his yard or yahd.

And, oh abundant good fortune! Our neighboor on the other side has decided to turn her detached garage into 2 bedrooms for her teenaged daughters because they have shared a closet-sized bedroom since they were tiny. Their mother thinks this will be a great improvement, two large bedrooms away from the house. Complete with…an outdoor shower.

I swear to God. I am not making any of this up.