Teens Want It All–Parents, Just Say No

My best friend named her daughter after me and now, 17 years later, we both think this may have been a bad idea.

They had a huge fight last night because her daughter refused to clean up the kitchen. It got ugly, with the girl telling her mother, “I’ll take you out, bitch.” We’re both reasonably sure she didn’t mean for dinner.

Now, this girl attends a very elite private school in Miami, has all honors classes, set the curve in her physics class (I am more afraid of physics than I am of death), and makes straight A’s year after year. She is smart, athletically gifted, and has never been in trouble. However, according to her mother, she is domestically lazy and can be extremely sullen. I told her that her daughter is simply performing her duties as outlined in the Teenager Handbook but I do feel her pain.

My friend explained how things are where they live. Every single one of this girl’s friends have their own Mercedes, BMW, Hummer, Jaguar or equivalent. She doesn’t have her own car. One of her friends gets a $1200monthly allowance. Another has her own personal manicurist who comes to the house. GET OUT!! I can’t fathom this kind of excess.

They certainly aren’t living in squalor themselves. My friend and her ex-husband are both attorneys and live in nice homes. He pays the outrageous tuition (twice what I make in a year) for the two oldest girls to attend this luxurious learning center where, I might add, the head priest was just relieved of his duties due to the unfortunate discovery of his performances in some, thirty eight, porn features. His unknown ”talents” were uncovered on the internet by the kids in his very own laptop school.

But my friend can’t help feeling guilty. She thinks her daughter is suffering and acting out because she feels cheated. I think it’s natural for us to feel we’re cheating our children, somehow, if they don’t have what their friends have. I found myself buying (in more ways than one) into that with my son. Looking back, I see how dangerous that is. It sends a terrible message. I admire parents who believe strongly enough in themselves and their values to tell their kids, “Tough luck and be grateful for what you do have. Get over yourself.”

That’s the way I was brought up. We also lived in Miami and, while things were not as “pimp” as they are now, there was still a lot of “correct change” floating around that place. I always felt like the poor little match girl because we simply didn’t have it. I always wanted my son to feel ahead of the curve that way instead of behind it like I did. BIG MISTAKE and one I should have been mature enough to recognize before I made it.

I warned my friend to run from that kind of guilt like an illegal from immigration because succumbing to any manipulation (intended or not) resulting from the “I wants” is dangerous to the kid and to the parent child relationship on a number of levels. The kid becomes fearful in the face of the parent’s insecurity, angry at being given power that isn’t warranted, and destructive toward the item extorted from the parent.

It’s so much better to figure out ways to help a child feel a sense of worth without material things. In this case, the daughter is one of four children. She has that bond, that sense of belonging, even if she does pretend the rest of them are her subjects and not her siblings. My son was an only child. I was too but I don’t think my sense of being separate affected me quite as badly as his did. 

He always felt the need to flash his belongings around. He wanted people to accept him and felt his “things” rather than himSELF would do it. People liked him just the way  he was but he couldn’t see it. And I perpetuated the problem by giving him the tools he wanted instead of the ones he needed. I just didn’t understand how to impart good self esteem. I guess that’s because it can’t be imparted; it can only be earned.

My friend thanked me for strongly urging her not to give in to guilt. She knows that my son resides in a concrete cell, not at a monastery, and that his wardrobe is limited to an orange jumpsuit. His is an extreme case but he was certainly not helped by my need to indulge. One day her daughter will have character instead of being one and when she EARNS her own Maserati, she’ll be a lot more likely to appreciate it.

The ex-husband feels the whole issue is a result of the rap music she listens too. We had a huge laugh over that one because he said it so seriously, not even realizing he had crossed that threshold, entering into the realm of the unhip, uncool, old parent. Who wants to be that? He doesn’t see it and wouldn’t care if he did. Good for him!