Shifting the Blame–Pointing Fingers Prolongs Pain

I, in my infinite wisdom, have single handedly figured out how to eradicate attorneys, therapists, quite a few pharmaceutical companies, and a number of court and jail personnel. While this is not good news for those people, it should be very exciting to those who have been blamed, framed, or shamed.

How did I do it? Why, I took a shower of course. All my  best thinking and problem solving occurs under the hottest needles of water beating down on my head, encouraging blood flow.

Actually, all I really did was think about some situations and I realized how much better relationships, and life in general, would be if we all looked at ourselves honestly every single time we had a negative or judgmental thought about someone else’s behavior. And, I’ll be the first to admit, I’m the world’s worst when it comes to condemnation of others. But I’m learning why I do that.

Someone presented a relationship problem to me last night. This person’s spouse is drinking excessively and it’s creating a strain on the relationship and on the self-esteem of the person who came to me about it. Knowing both people pretty well, I can see where the problems are. She has taught him how to treat her by putting him on a pedestal and giving more than she gets. He does have a rapidly progressing alcohol problem. He blames everything and everybody else for his problems without seeing himself in the equation. His wife thinks he’s unhappy because she’s gained weight or isn’t pretty enough.

The reality is he isn’t happy because he doesn’t like himself. He’s full of fear and ego and he drinks too much. Things aren’t happening to him. Things are simply happening. If he were able to stop and take everyone else out of the line of fire, look at himself, and ask himself some questions, he might see where he is faulty–like we all are in one way or another. 

My boss is also an alcoholic. The more I learn, the more I see progression of this disease in others. He is nastier and acting more unhappy by the day. He doesn’t have good relationships with others. He is angry and his ego is dangerously inflated. Today I know these things are masking insidious problematic feelings like fear, low self-esteem, and self bondage. If he could look at himself and stop firing missles at everyone around him, he might see that he hurts others and himself. 

Are my observations about them going to get them to recovery? No. Will I feel better about myself by taking their inventory and deciding they are sick or not conducting themselves appropriately? Ultimately, no. I will feel worse because, truthfully, I will be pointing a finger at them in an effort not to have to look at my own shortcomings. This will slow my own progress and I won’t fix myself.

Most of us spend so much time setting ourselves apart and criticizing or feeling superior to others when we are broken ourselves. If we can only stop trying to protect ourselves by refusing to blame anyone or anything else, we will find the safety we all crave.