Relatively Speaking–Many Dread the Holidays

If you aren’t exactly looking forward to joining hands and singing “Wahoo Foray” early next week, you’re not alone. I heard people start complaining about their relatives…let’s see…just about a month ago. Oddly enough, the first strains of grousing were heard right before, with louder strains to follow right after, Thanksgiving.

Whether you’re going or they’re coming, no doubt the muscles in your shoulders and the tendons and ligaments right around your collar bone are beginning to tighten–considerably. And, you bought Tums this weekend didn’t you?

Have you already begun your list of comebacks to the obnoxious uncle who talks at you rather than with you. You’ve tried, due to his advanced age, to compassionately explain away his nastiness and illogical ramblings, citing possible dementia, only to remember that he’s always been a jerk.

Are you already involuntarily practicing averting your eyes from the sisters-in-law who are the first women ever to give birth? One will proudly breastfeed (”It’s natural and beautiful!!!”). The other is certain to rub her pregnant stomach endlessly like a Tibetan monk in reverence to Buddha. And if she calls it her baby bump, a la People magazine, one more time you may just have to kick her in it.

Then there’s Grandmother Martyr who wants to eat the second everyone hits the door only to start doing the dishes three minutes after everyone starts to eat. And who can hear the football game over all of that sighing? 

And we can’t forget (though we wish we could) about the charming children who, in Pavlovian fashion, will talk at the very sound of an adult’s voice. They will simply expire if anyone besides them is making a sound. Or, they start chasing the, already hyper, dog around in a pathetic cry for attention because, Lord knows, they don’t get enough of it.

I had to give it to my client’s crafty father at Thanksgiving. She and her siblings were having dinner at her mother’s house. Her mother and father are divorced and he’s re-married. He asked my client if his mother, her grandmother, could have Thanksgiving dinner with her and her siblings at her mother’s house. This would be the home of his ex and grandma’s ex-daughter in law. My client had to say okay because it is, after all, still her grandmother. Her father explained he was going out of town. She found out he didn’t go out of town, never had plans to leave for the holiday, just apparently didn’t want to deal with his mother on Thanksgiving. Sad but true. 

This relative disdain seems rampant lately. I’m sure it’s worse in larger families where there are more personalities and extended personalities to deal with. There will inevitably be the boss, the drunk, the loudmouth, the whiner, the know-it-all, the braggart, and on and on. It’s a melting pot of social miscreants and it often turns out badly.

Sometimes I think the best solution to family festivity flame-out is to go out to a restaurant (misery loves company) where everyone doesn’t feel quite so at home. Or, even to a large park or lake or beach where there is plenty of room to spread out. Something about being between familiar walls in relative (there’s that word again) privacy seems to bring out the worst in folks.

Although it seems sad to get away from traditions, why not get away with just the spouse or spouse and kids? Smaller groups just seem to do better at times like this. And if the intolerable family is big enough, are they really going to miss you that much? You can always make plans with just the grandparents and your immediate family–or whatever–before or after the holiday. It’s really about the quality of the time anyway, not just what the calendar says.

A perfect alternative would be some kind of volunteer effort for all or a few members to participate in; take the focus off the group and some of its individuals.

There are so many ways to avoid being with people you really don’t want to deal with or who may cause you to be this year’s holiday homicide headline. Every year has one, you know.

You can love your parents, spouse, significant other, kids, and even your siblings every day of the year. You don’t have to love their partner choices or whoever those people choose to drag along. It’s too much and it really takes the meaning out of the whole event.

I think holidays, especially Christmas, are meant to be enjoyed pleasantly but also calmly and quietly with some music, easy conversation and joyous, not necessarily raucous, laughter. It’s a time to reflect on peace not to disturb it.