Getting Over Grief–To Each His Own

Last June my former co-worker and good friend, Victor, died very suddenly and unexpectedly. He was the picture of health and happiness, with a completely dedicated wife and four kids. It was hotter than hot outside and he was working on heavy equipment. The real cause of his death is still unkown. Heart attack, heat stroke, drugs, aneurysm, and other causes have all been ruled out. The death certificate says something like “related to hypertension.” But he didn’t have high blood pressure.

His wife is immersed in the worst grief and pain imaginable. So are the kids. I talked with her tonight and heard the sadness, fear, and frustration loud and clear as she let it all out. Family members and friends keep telling her she has to accept it and move on. One family member told her she knows just how it feels because her husband was in Kuwait for three months and she, too, had to run a household by herself. Not the same thing.

Why do people insist upon sweeping other people’s feelings under the rug? I’ve seen it and experienced it over and over. Is it because we don’t know what to say to them? Or, we can’t be bothered to listen? I wonder if we’ve gotten too practiced at keeping real feelings at bay–our own and those of others. So practiced that we are unfeeling jackasses when someone needs a shoulder and a heart.

Grief is a process, a long one. When a physical injury occurs, the tissue heals in whatever time it takes. At least with that there are medicines and vitamins to speed things along. With a serious injury to the psyche who knows or should say how long the recovery is supposed to take?

This couple had been together since they were in high school. Thirty years. They were a rare old-fashioned kind of family who did everything together and for each other. Victor’s wife said tonight, “No matter where we go, there’s always that missing link.” She has her own heartache to deal with and she’s powerless over her kids’ suffering. And people are telling her to GET OVER IT????!!!!!!

On top of all that, she has never worked full time outside the home. She works part time and does a fantastic job home schooling her children. Now, she has a mortgage and bills to pay, groceries to buy and, because Victor had just started a new job, there was no insurance. Personally, I think she has a legitimate reason to throw herself in front of a train, much less cry at any and everything.

So, I’m here on my soapbox to tell everyone to BE NICE TO PEOPLE, DAMMIT!!! Especially when you have never endured what they are experiencing. How, in God’s name, can you tell them what they should feel or how long they should feel it when you’ve never been through it? What’s wrong with hugging them and telling them to feel however they want? It’s only been six months for this widow and she just had to go through the first holidays. Compassion, hello?

I haven’t been through this but I have been through situations that were devastating to me and that kind of blase, unfeeling, critical attitude made me very angry and hurt me to the core. All anyone who is hurting wants is validation and understanding. They know you can’t fix the problem so don’t get mad at them because you can’t. If you can’t think of anything to say, just hold their hand and listen to them cry. Pat the hand every now and then so they feel a certain reassurance. That’s it. It’s not quantum physics.

Sooner or later we’re all going to have to deal with something more horrible than we could ever imagine. Maybe if we are unselfish enough to go through it with someone else, it won’t be has hard or lonely when it’s us. People need to face the unpleasant and stop pretending there is a luminous bubble of protection around certain chosen ones–ourselves. Because there isn’t. And if we don’t allow someone else to feel forsaken in a time of great need, chances are we won’t be when it’s our turn.