New Year Brings New Hope–I Hope

Pondering. That’s what I’m doing tonight. What is it about a single date on the calendar that has the power to make people ruminate to the point of distraction? It’s New Year’s Eve. Of course, this is the first year I’m doing it sober so maybe I’m just more conscious of the actual thoughts that are consuming me.

I feel like a complete cliche sitting here, like Dan Fogleberg’s Old Lang Syne should be playing in the background. A slight feeling of panic is welling as I think about what I haven’t done. And the woulda, coulda, shouldas are slinking around inside my head like menacing villains.

Professionally, I don’t want to do what I’m doing. I want to do something totally different. The sales job I have is the anti-occupation for me so the fact that I’ve been selling advertising for the better part of 20 years seems ridiculous. I think I just like the freedom and, since I have the attention span of a hummingbird, the fast pace and constant change of scenery suits me. But that’s pretty much it.

I just inhaled the latest literary chocolate truffle by Augusten Burroughs, Possible Side Effects. Augusten is my new boyfriend. He’s brilliant, famous, and gay. And I’m not. But other than those things, we have so much in common!! He has French Bulldogs and I have Boston Terrriers. He’s an alcoholic. Ditto. He worked in advertising and hated it. Me too. He seems to remember every detail of the 1970’s and so do I. And, get this…His favorite song, growing up, was Go Tell it on the Mountain!!!! I listened to that song over and over as a kid. What are the odds?

The odds are I’ll never be as driven and brave as he was when he quit advertising and started writing. I’m just kidding about the boyfriend part. And anyway I feel disloyal to David Sedaris who drew me into the saucy memoir genre to begin with. I don’t want to cheat on him.

My point to this digressional dossier is this year I want things to be different. And since the magic fairy is obviously a very tardy and irresponsible nymph, I guess I’m going to have to do it myself. But how? And this is what I do, what I’ve done, what I’ve got to stop doing. Circles for years.

As a young person, my focus was awful. There was none. When I finally got a hint of one and went to college, I drove myself so crazy trying to make perfect grades that I burned out and quit in my third year. Not finishing things was my specialty. I’m sure it was all the classic reasons: insecurity, fear of failure, blah, blah. But it’s also more than 20 years later and the clock is ticking. Did I mention that I hate pressure?

So, first I have to focus and then I have to write. In 2007, I want to write a book. I’m great at coming up with titles, especially for books I think other people should write. I told my friend she should write a book called, Call Me a Cab, because her ex-husband and one boyfriend became habitual about throwing her out of the car and leaving her on the street. See how my train of thought gets derailed? It’s no wonder I can’t complete a project.

The end of 2006 has brought lots of amazing things. Changes I made proved to be good ones. I can do this too. If the magical fairy doesn’t want to cooperate, fine. I’ll do it myself. Just like Augusten.