The Rules of Ex Etiquette and Remaining Friends With an Ex

Ah, the ex-boyfriend or -girlfriend. What on Earth do we do with them, right? Some say, once you tell them sayonara, it’s forever; while others claim you can remain friends even after one or both of you have horribly broken the other’s heart. And me? I stand in the middle camp. I am fully confident that you can remain friends with an ex, as long as you let enough time pass after the break up. And as long as neither one of you acts like a huge freak.

Case in point. My college ex of 3 years gave me my first taste of love as well as my first taste of major heart-break and I vowed to never be friends with him again. A couple months later, we were stuck working full-time together in a basement store, alone. At first it was tough and I wondered if I’d ever get over him. But then I started dating someone. Someone who I was falling completely in love with; someone who made me say, ex-boyfriend who? And soon, the ex started dating someone new as well. Before long, the ex and I were hanging out at work like two chums, as though our 3 years as a couple never happened. I came to the realization that we could be friends, especially since we were both in relationships with people who made us happier than we had made each other.

The ex eventually moved from our college town and we kept in touch, calling to say hi every couple months or on birthdays. I moved to Boston soon after he did and we still occasionally chatted, keeping loose tabs on each other. Both still happily in relationships.

Cut to last summer. By this point, 3 years had gone by and I was over the pain and heartache he had once caused, and completely over him. I had seen better and I knew what was possible. And then I ran into the ex one warm summer night at a bar. And thus brings us to thing #1 not to say to your ex: “Oh, hi! I thought that was you, but then I said nooo that can’t be her; she’s like 20 pounds skinnier than that.” Wow, nice to see you too.

But I let it slide and we continued to chat. Was I still dating my boyfriend? No. Was he still dating his girlfriend? Yes. How is she, I wanted to know. And suddenly, thing #2 not to say to your ex: ”Oh, I don’t know,” he responded, shrugging his shoulders. You don’t know how your girlfriend is? It made me wonder how many times he responded to his friends in the same way during the 3 years we were together. Call me crazy, but I feel like your boyfriend should at least use the generic, “she’s good.”

I was done with the conversation and moved back to my group of friends, but the ex found me later in the night and we continued our catch-up session. The bar was closing soon, but not before thing #3 not to say to your ex was spoken: “Hey, you should come back to my place. You know, like old times.” What? Oh, so you can cheat on your girlfriend just like you cheated on me? No thanks, buddy. I said a few choice words and walked away.

I had an instant message apology from him the next morning saying he had had “one too many” to drink. I didn’t respond and haven’t talked to him since. Because, although we let enough time go by after the break up and we both knew we could be happier than we made each other, remember, ex etiquette says that you can only be friends with your ex if neither one of you acts like a huge freak. And he chose to act like a freak. While our friendship was going fine for a while, I knew when it was time to call it off; when it just wasn’t worth it anymore. And that is the key to ex etiquette.