Blended Families

Talking About Death and the Grieving Process with Your Child

Advice Seeker: Dear April,

My husband and the father of my son recently passed away and it's been extremely difficult on the whole family. However, I'm mostly worried about my son and how he will get through the grieving process and function without a father. Do you have any advice for the trauma can be lessened for him? Also, in general, how can parents help their children get over the death of someone close to them?

Sincerely,

Helping Him Grieve

April Masini's advice:

Dear Helping Him Grieve,

Tips for the child to make the trauma and the stress less of a burden:

* Allow your child to grieve. What happened to his father is awful and it's appropriate to be sad and to grieve. Lots of people will tell him to "Get over it," and to "Move on with your life." Other people have their own agendas for when you should not be sad any more. Tell your child to listen to his own heart, not someone else's rules. His relationship with his father continues even after he has died, and only he knows how to feel and when to stop grieving. Tell him to be true to himself and the relationship he had, and still have with the memory of his father.

* Have him keep a framed photo of his father in his room or his wallet. It's a good way to respect his memory.

* Have him find a way to channel his energy, for instance, writing, painting, playing music, taking up a sport, or practicing that sport are all ways to use the grief energy and the energy that he still has towards his father's memory. Bottling up the feelings is not good. Letting them out in a creative way will be a tibute to himself and his father.

Talking about death and grieving to and with children is almost as taboo as sex. In fact, grief is often more taboo than sex when it comes to kids.

What parents should teach children:

The most important thing that parents can teach children is that death is a normal and natural part of life.

Feeling sad after someone dies is called grief and it's also normal.

Mourning is the expression of grief and it's not just normal, it's actually a type of manner in many cultures. Discuss your particular culture and/or religion and talk about how death and grief is noted traditionally.

When a parent dies: This is a traumatic death in a child's life, and it's important to allow a child time to grieve, but also permission to grieve. During this time the child needs lots and lots of TLC, affection and kindness.
When a grandparent dies: Depending on how close the child was with the grandparent this can be an event somewhere between traumatic and curious for a child. Give your child lots of TLC, and answer lots of questions. Give your child time and space to ask questions. This may be the first time your child has seen you cry or mourn, and it's important that you allow yourself to mourn, but also to take care of your child's concerns about your own grief.

One of a child's fears about death is that it can happen to him or her or to you or his other parent. Remind your child that you are okay. You are not sick, and you are not dead. There is a loss of innocence for your child because the reality is that you or anyone can die at any time, but remember, you want your child to understand the world in order to function in it.

What parents should not do:

Don't inundate your child with TMI (too much information). Give your child the age appropriate basics of death, and answer any and all questions. The best you can do is to create an atmosphere where you child can talk to you about his or her concerns, fears and questions at any time.

Don't bring up sensitive subjects in a crowd if your child is a private person. Be sensitive to whether or not your child wants to talk about this subject with friends around or privately with you. Depending on age and personality, your child may be more comfortable asking intimate questions in front of a sibling or friend, or just one on one. You will know which is right for your child.