Tips On High School Dating

Advice For When You're Crushing on Your Siblings' Friends

Advice Seeker: Dear April,

What do you do when you like one of your brother's friends, and that guy is a year younger? Is that bad? They have been friends for about a year now, but I never actually hung out with him or my brother until my brother's birthday party. We ended up talking and being by each other half the night. Then before they all left we ended up kissing. I'm confused on what to do; I don't know whether to think this guy likes me back or what. Do you have any dating advice for me?

Sincerely,

I Like My Brother's Friend

April Masini's advice:

Dear I Like My Brother's Friend:

It's perfectly okay to like someone who's younger than you are. A year isn't going to make a big difference in anyone's life. Sometimes when people are young teens, as I suspect you are, it seems like a big deal to like someone a year older or a year younger. If you look at older couples, most of them are different ages. In fact, when you get older, five, ten, fifteen and even twenty years, can be "do-able" age differences in happy, healthy relationships. It really depends on the maturity of the two individuals involved.

Your Brother's Buddy:

What's probably really bothering you is the fact that this friend is your brother's friend first, and your boyfriend -- or possible boyfriend -- second. It may feel like because your brother and this guy are friends, and that's how you came to know this guy -- through your brother -- that you have to honor that relationship that the two guys have first. It's a good instinct because it shows compassion and empathy, but the reality is that love and sexual feelings complicate things. Especially because you're new to dating.

Your brother and his friend are friends. You want to be more than friends with your brother's friend. It is possible for both things to happen. You and your brother's friend can date. Your brother's friend and your brother can be buddies and you and your brother can be siblings. If it sounds complicated, get used to it! That's what happens when families marry and expand their families. All of a sudden you will have brother in laws, sisters in law, nieces nephews and in laws. And you'll have different relationships with all of them -- and their relatives. So what you're doing now, is really getting a glimpse of the future, in terms of relationships.

I can tell you what will make you feel better, though. And that is to talk to your brother first. Tell him that you like his friend and that you really enjoyed spending time with him at the birthday party. You don't have to ask your brother's permission to like his friend. Your brother doesn't own the friend, and he doesn't own you. What you are going to be doing is sharing your feelings. This is how you grow closer to people. You are offering your brother a chance to become closer with you by explaining to him how you feel. it also gives your brother a chance to tell you how he feels -- about you, his friend -- maybe he wants to tell you about someone he likes that happens to be a friend of yours! The beauty of opening the door to your brother by sharing your feelings is that it's a creative process and you have no idea what he may share with you! That's what's great about life -- the adventure.

Sibling Rivalry:

If you're afraid your brother is going to be angry with you for liking his friend, or if you're afraid that your brother is going to tell you not to hang out with his friend any more, then you really have to face that fear and find out if that's what your brother is going to do. Sometimes siblings get jealous over attention that the other one gets. This stems from wanting the parents attentions as a baby when a sibling comes along and takes the parents attention. There can be a lifelong rivalry between siblings to gain attention from parents -- or parent figures -- that can be friends, teachers or anyone that both of you want attention from. Like this guy. If you have a case of sibling rivalry and this guy is the object of it, it's much better to deal with it up front and talk it out, then to ignore it or miss an opportunity to have a nice relationship with this guy just because you have old issues with your parents and your brother that are unresolved. Resolve them now!

Brotherly Love:

On the other hand, your brother may know things about this guy that you don't, and he may feel protective of you. You should respect your brother's wanting to take care of you -- if that's what he does. He may know that this guy has another girlfriend already -- or that he has a history of cheating on girls. He may have information about this guy that is valuable to you, so you should listen and then make your own decision.

After you straighten things out with your brother, you should figure out what you want from this guy and what he's offering. I hate to burst your bubble, but guys will make out with you because they can. Older men sleep with women because they can. It doesn't mean that they like you and want to have a relationship with you. It just means that they like making out with you or having sex. There's a big difference. I'd suggest you back off and let him make the first move. He knows you like him because you hung out and kissed. If he wants a relationship with you, he'll call you and ask you out on a date. DON'T you ask him out on a date. DON'T you call him. Here's what you can do:

1. Concentrate on your school or job -- or both if you have both. Focus on getting good grades and doing well.

2. Take care of yourself. Do whatever makes you feel good about yourself -- exercise, take up a sport, get a haircut, go through your wardrobe and do a clothing make over -- whatever will make you feel great about yourself, do it!

3. Have fun with your friends. Go out and have fun. Guys love girls (and men love women) who have a good attitude, confidence, and an interesting life! If he sees you're independent and you have your act together, you'll be more attractive to him.

4. Be prepared for other guys to like you. If you do the above three things, you're going to have a lot of guys liking you, and you'll be the prize that they'll have to fight over and win. And trust me -- guys like to do this. They like to feel like they won a great girl -- and that's who you are and who you will be the more you focus on making yourself the best you you can.

Photo by Samantha Villagran, Wink Shot Mexico