Tips On Managing Expectations In A Marriage

Just Talking About Having Children Can Come Between Couples

Advice Seeker: Dear April,

My husband and I have started to talk about having children and even talking about it has been causing us to argue! We seem to disagree on a lot of the particulars like how many children we want, when we want to start trying to get pregnant, and who will work once we have a baby. Is it normal to be fighting before we even have kids?

Sincerely,

Fighting Over Non-Existent Babies

April Masini's advice:

Dear Fighting Over Non-Existent Babies,

Children can make or break a couple -- whether you're deciding to have them -- or you already do have them.

Ways un-born children come between couples:

1. One member of the couple wants them and one doesn't.

2. Both people want children, but they both want to work and the man wants the woman to stay home with the kids.

3. Both people want children, but the man wants to stay home with the kids and the woman doesn't want him to.

4. Both people want children, but the woman wants to stay home with the kids and the man wants her to work.

5. One or both members of the couple is infertile and infertility treatments are a "wild card." (Expensive, not certain to work, and can be stressful to the relationship)

6. Adoption is something that one member of the couple wants – whether there is infertility or not – and another member does not want. Some people are invested in having their own DNA passed on. Other people want to parent children, regardless of their biological origin.

Even once you do have the kids they can put a damper on careers, but on marriages, too.

Kids can take way more energy than either person expected. Work productivity may suffer. Sex life may suffer. Everyone may be more snappish because of the lack of sleep and excess stress that comes with parenting.