Relationship Advice: Liars- How to Know Your Dating a Loser
Why Men Lie and Tips for Catching Him in a Lie
Advice Seeker: Dear April,
I've been with dating a man for a few months now and so far have caught him in a few lies. He's lied about some of his past accomplishments, how much money he makes, and the kind of car he drives. We're not in an exclusive relationship so I can't get too mad; but sometimes I even think he's lying about how much he likes me so I'll continue seeing him (and sleeping with him!). Why would a man lie about this? And do you have any tips for how I can actually catch him lying?
Sincerely,
To Catch a Liar
April Masini's advice:
Dear To Catch a Liar,
Researchers have found that women tend to lie to spare someone's feelings or to avoid conflict. Men tend to lie to make themselves seem more impressive, or to get something – that something usually being sex.
Unfortunately, too many women aren't prepared to recognize either the lie or the liar until both have become history. Why have a blind spot for men's lies, especially in an intimate relationship? After all, a blind spot for anything spells trouble. But when you trust someone you shouldn't just because you feel that skepticism and romance are an odd couple, you set yourself up for deep disappointment. Trust has to be earned. And when you give your trust away too easily and too fast, you become a perfect mark for anyone who chooses to act unscrupulously.
Some men – not all men – lie to make themselves seem more impressive when approaching women. They see the dating game as a competition and think they have to outdo rivals. Some men then go on to lie about wanting a lasting, intimate relationship. They assume women want this, and that only by hinting at a relationship can they get love, sex, and companionship. Then they find themselves trapped in a relationship they didn't want, pretending to be someone they're not. So they lie to get space from their partner. Or they lie and cheat on that partner. And finally, they lie to escape.
That cycle damages both people. The one lied to, obviously, feels betrayed. But something many men don't wake up to until later in life is that the liar also never feels intimacy or love. The lies are always in the way. Still, can honesty really compete with sexy lies? In the long run, honesty builds much better relationships. But sexy lies seem to entice us. So, you want to know how to know your dating a loser?
Here are some telltale signs that what you're hearing a man say might be something less than the whole truth:
- Eye contact: When he won't meet your eye when he tells you something, your inner alarm should start ringing.
- Body language: Blushing, sweating, leg jiggling, scratching a maddening itch - such responses can be a reflection of his body's reaction to covering up the truth.
- Credibility: Try to see if his words sound plausible. Some people, in the panic of being forced to lie, can trot out the most absurd story that is just impossible to believe. Really bad liars look skeptical as they tell their tall tale - even they don't look like they believe it.
- Repetition: If the man repeats the question you ask him, he is generally buying himself more time to formulate his lie.
- Gut instinct: You have a powerful secret weapon left: listen to your instincts. Sometimes you are face to face with a professional con man or a compulsively unfaithful partner. Such people will be experienced and credible. They will have worked on controlling their bodies' reactions to the fear of getting caught out, and will seem natural and trustworthy at first glance. In these situations, and often in spite of all the evidence before you, you will sometimes experience a strong feeling that something's not right. The biggest mistake you can ever make in such a situation is to ignore this gut feeling. Of course, not everyone deserves to be the object of automatic and chronic suspicion. But if you're not sure if someone is lying to you, pay attention to the combination of eye contact, body language, the credibility of the excuse, and your gut instincts. You will find that your ability to spot a lie at 50 paces becomes finely tuned and very reliable.
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