Is She Intrested In Me Or Is She Just Being Nice?

[Solo323]

Sorry this is so long I wanted you to have a thorough picture. I am writing because I am confused on weather this girl likes me or am I just wasting my time and what I should do next. I just want to know if she just wants to be friends, friends with a possibility of more, or if she wants to be more then friends.
Ok a little background info. I met her at a store around the corner from my house. She would say hi in a flirty way. About two and a half months ago I built up enough courage to ask her for her number she gladly gave it to me. At the time I had a girlfriend, which since the have broken it off with, that she knew about. She said she wanted to just be friends but have fun. Since I have gotten her number we have texted back and forth almost every day we have also talked on the phone each time it has been longer than one and a half hours. I have been out with her one so far. I got into a fight w/ my girlfriend and moved out. I called Ruth and she invited me to hang out with her and her cousins at a night club for the rest of the night. She has a 2 time a month guy that she gas known for over a year but gets very defensive when I call him her boyfriend. She has told me once over the phone that we should stop talking because it is unfair for the people we are talking to. And that she will start to like me. But we still talk text and flirt on the phone. We have a date planned for Friday night our first one. I know she has been hurt badly by three other men before. First was abusive, second was also abusive and had anger issues, the third she got a call from his 3 month old baby’s mother.
Why I think she likes me:
We talk all the time on the phone till early in the morning, she flirts around with me and is real sexual when she does, she always smiles when I am around her, she laughs at almost anything I say even if it’s not funny, she says she can’t figure me out like the other guys she has dated or talked too, just last week she asked if I was too scared to ask her out, she almost always returns my text messages,
Why I am confused:
She never calls or texts me first, she tells me about all these guys that hit on her but she turns them down, she tells me how I remind her of her no good boyfriends cause I am too nice and that I will end up being like them, she will send me a text message of a kiss then say she is just kidding, sometimes she will say she will call me back and never does, she will also tell me things like she is too nice and often gets herself in trouble by not turning down people.

Bottom line is I am a stable guy I was married for 13 years to someone I knew since I was 2 years old. I have four kids I am in my mid 30’s very athletic, great dad. Anyways I hate games I like to go for what I want I like everything to be up front and honest I just want to know what is going on so I can move along or move on. I also want to know if im getting the wrong impression or not I don’t know if maybe I am crowding her either maybe she needs her space I don’t know. Please help.
If you have any questions to clear things up let me know

[April Masini]

She definitely likes you, and isn't just being nice. The way you can tell is that she flirts with you, laughs at your jokes even when they're not funny, gave you her number, and has agreed to go on 2 dates with you. That adds up to her definitely liking you!

The reason you're confused, I think, is because you're the one who isn't acting straightforward. I know that may sound like a shock to you, and you may even refute it -- but before you do, hear me out.

When you met her and asked for her number, you already had a girlfriend and apparently told her so. That's a mixed message to any woman. But, she gave you her number anyway -- because she was interested, but didn't want to get hurt, so she told you she just wanted to be friends with you. She gave you a mixed message right back at you!

Her flirting with you in spite of this showed that she liked you as more than a friend, and now you're not sure why she's flirting, but still dating someone else (albeit not a "boyfriend"), and going back and forth with you. I think the reason for her flip flopping is due to your initial cue to her that you weren't one hundred percent into a standard relationship. In your mind you really wanted her, but your behavior showed her that you were only luke warm.

While it may have taken all your courage to ask for her number, she only knows you asked for it while you were with someone else. From her point of view, you could easily be a player. Whether or not you were or are, the reality, from her eyes, is not as clear as it is from your own.

Since that time, 2 and a half months ago, she's been with a guy who she's not very serious about (you call him her 2 month guy), and you've asked her out twice. This is all pretty normal dating behavior for 2 people who like each other, and are playing the field.

It's not reasonable for you to expect her to drop all other guys she's interested in and possibly dating just because you've asked her out on two dates in two months. If you really like her, you have to be the one to set the tone for the relationship rather than waiting for her to tell you or act like you're her boyfriend. If you want to be her "official boyfriend" then you have to do the work to become that -- but it's a process. It's not something that's discussed, agreed upon, and enacted, like a business contract. Romantic relationships are a lot less structured. That said, there is a structure to dating that works.

Dial up the dating behavior, and dial down the friend behavior. If you like her as more than a friend, treat her that way: ask her out more often, and spend more face time together and less text time and phone time together. The internet and your cell phone are both great tools for communication, but don't mistake cyber time for a real, live relationship.

It's entirely possible that she's taking her cues from you, and therefore treating your relationship as one that could go either way -- friends or lovers.

I hope that helps! Good luck.

[Solo323]

I’m sorry I didn’t responded right away to your advice I have been busy at work. Anyways THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU WERE DEAD ON!!!! The more I thought about it the more your advice fit and matched.
I did what you told me to do, I am trying to put more face time in even if it is going to visit her at work briefly and writing her little funny notes. I also am trying to give her more of the boyfriend vibe and less player vibe. We also went on our first official date which started out a little iffy.
Ok now here is where I don’t know what to think again. We went on our first date she showed up 50mins late from a poker party stayed for a few mins with me at the comedy club then wanted to leave to meet with her cousins at a club else were. I invited myself and she told me to call her after the act was over so she could meet with me. I did and she answered and we met up at a club separate from her cousins. She kept buying me drinks wouldn’t let me pay at all, her cousins kept texting her to hook her up with a guy and she kept telling them that she was going to stay with me. She wouldn’t dance with me saying that it felt awkward because she is shy and doesn’t go with guys to clubs without her cousins. She continues to laugh at my jokes. The whole time she had her back to me but she would always move closer to me. She would also touch my hand and let it linger there for a while whenever she would hand me a beer. At the end of the night she offered to give me a ride home if I needed it.
I am still confused about her liking me or not and it doesn’t help that since we went out she has not returned my text and we went out Friday night 12/18/2009. Should I continue to text her or not, and when I mean text her I only sent one or two texts? The other thing is she wouldn’t dance with me. Is she really shy or is she giving me a blow off sign? She shows up to a date 50min late what’s that about? I think I am just so new to dating I am all confused. Do I just need to chill out and go with the flow? Please help me again.

[April Masini]

I'm so glad that I was able to help!

Now, let's see if I can help you get through some more confusion with this woman!

You're right to be unsettled that she showed up 50 minutes late to your first date. That's downright rude, and unless she had a good excuse and a lavish apology, you have every right to put your flashing yellow light on with this woman. People who are normally late and expect you to go along with their sense of time, are usually very self centered and rude. However....I suggest you give her another shot since it sounds like a lot of the date went well, and it's possible she wasn't one hundred percent sure that this was a full on date.

You need to understand that when you're the guy on the date you're the one who's supposed to be buying the drinks. You shouldn't let her buy your beers. What this indicates to her is that you're not full on board as boyfriend material. It's friend behavior, not boyfriend behavior. It also sounds like she gave you a ride home, rather than you doing the driving. I know that you were kind of sloshed, so you were glad to have the ride, but first of all, you shouldn't get drunk on a first date because it keeps you from being attentive. Second of all, you're supposed to be the guy with the car who's driving her home, not vice versa.

You still need to dial up that boyfriend behavior rather than just a friend with benefits behavior.

My suggestion is to quit texting her and to call her up on an old fashioned cell phone, and invite her to dinner with you at 7 p.m. on a Saturday night. Make the restaurant a nice one with table cloths and cloth napkins, as well as candles. You make arrangements to pick her up at her place, and bring her flowers when you show up. She won't be able to mistake this for anything other than what it is: a traditional date.

Whether or not you two click and have compatibility and chemistry is yet to be seen, but what you will have is no miscommunication about what it is you're doing: dating her!

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go!

[Solo323]

Thank you again

[Solo323]

Thank you so much for getting me on a right track. I need feel like I need so much help due to my lack of dating. I agree with everything. As far as buying my drinks I would go to the restroom and when I came out she would hand me a beer. She didn’t end up giving me a ride she just asked if I needed one when my car wouldn’t start. She had already made it to her home and she texted me to let me know she made it home safely and to see if I made it home. When she found out my car wouldn’t start she asked if I needed a ride. Then she texted me when I made it home if I could help her take off her shirt.
Is it true that some girls are nervous to dance with guys they like? And she said next time we go out we need to go to a place other than a club because it’s too weird. Now is that because I m in a friend zone or she likes me and is nervous dancing with a guy she likes? She did seem like she was nervous and she kept telling me that she was shy, and then her cousins kept wanting her to go meet up with them where they were at and she stayed with me. Is that some kind of sign? Then she said that I could dance with anyone on the dance floor since she didn’t feel like dancing and that she is not the jealous type, although I knew one of the female bartenders there and when she came up to talk to me my date rudely said why don’t you just go with your little bar girl, I told her the only one I want to dance with is her and if she doesn’t want to dance I am just having fun talking. Was that a test or what was the deal with asking me to dance with someone else?

Here are the text messages between us that night there are some blanks and name changed for personal and privacy reasons sorry about spelling :
Me (12/18):
Are we still on for tonight?
her (12/18):
Yeah what time
Me (12/18):
Sorry my fone died how about 730 800
her (12/18):
8 would be good
me (12/18):
Do u want me to pick u up? Yr light enough
her (12/18):
No I will meet u
Me (12/18):
Do you like _____(restaurant)?
her (12/18):
I’m at a poker party. Let’s go somewhere else
Me (12/18):
What do u have in mind?
her (12/18):
I dont know
Me (12/18):
R u hungry
her (12/18):
No. Im not gonna be able to meet u till like 9. Is that okay
Me (12/18):
Thats fine
her(12/18):
Okay. Im drinking a little So u drink to
Me (12/18):
Do you want to dance or go to see Comedy so of my friends know the owners of _____ they are having comedy club tonight they have a table they just said how many people
her(12/18):
What?
Me (12/18):
Did you want to do dancing or go to a comedy club?
her (12/18):
What ever u want
Me (12/18):
Do you know where the comedy club is at?
her (12/18):
___and ___
Me (12/18):
Yeah wanna meet me there?
her (12/18):
Yeah
Me (12/18):
Ok do you like comedy
her(12/18):
Maybe
Me (12/18):
Maybe? Have u ever been to a comedy club
her(12/18):
No
Me (12/18):
Let me know when u get here
her(12/18):
K. Yr there now
Me (12/18):
Yeah
her (12/18):
Do u wanna go to tower
Me (12/18):
Right now? it gets over at 1000 or 1030 we can go after
her (12/18):
Yeah what?
Me (12/18):
R u on yr way
her (12/18):
In a bit
Me (12/18):
ok
her(12/18):
What?
Me (12/18):
R u ok?
her(12/18):
Yeah y?
Me (12/18):
R u comming over here
her (12/18):
Where?
Me (12/18):
Comedy club?
her(12/18):
Ima going to get my car
Me (12/18):
Its ok only 30min left
her (12/18):
K
Me (12/18):
If you didnt want to go i would i went some where else instead of sitting here by myself For 2 hours
This is where she wanted to go to tower district and meet up with her cousins at club and she said I could meet her there but I went to another club.
Me (12/18):
Ok im in tower district at ____
her(12/18):
K i will go right now
Me (12/18):
I love this song
her (12/18):
Where
Me (12/18):
I m at ______
her (12/18):
Oh
Me (12/19):
Im so drunk
her (12/19):
Me too
Me (12/19):
Would you want to do this again w/ me?
her(12/19):
No more clubs. Some where else
Me (12/19):
**** My car wont start
her(12/19):
Do u need some help
Me (12/19):
No I think I can get it, I will walk if i have too
her(12/19):
Where r u at
Me (12/19):
___and ___
her (12/19):
OkaY u want to meet u
Me (12/19):
Im gonna try one mor thing if it dont work
her (12/19):
K text me
Me (12/19):
I got itstarted, but i should have said i need help so i could c u again. R u home?
her (12/19):
Im just getting home
Me (12/19):
You made it home safty? so y no mo clubs?
her (12/19):
Cuss its weird. R u home okay
Me (12/19):
Ok so just dinners for now. Not home yet
her (12/19):
I need help taking my shirt off u wanna come help me
Me (12/19):
yeaah
her (12/19):
Im just playing. Ima go to bed now. Have sweet dreams
This is the next morning
Me (11:17 AM):
Goodmorning goodlooking, how r u doing?
her (11:22 AM):
Okay. Being a taxi
Me (11:28 AM):
So where are you driving people to?
her (11:29 AM):
The store. My mom is cooking so she needed more stuff
Me (11:48 AM):
I could help you out and then you could start your own family taxi company. How does that sound?
her (11:51 AM):
Yr funny
Me (12:29 PM):
I know i am but you r funny also... You and your pinky finger last night
her(12:33 PM):
What ever. I was drunk
Me (12:39 PM):
So you gonna blame it on the alcohol.. I think there is a song about tht
her(12:40 PM):
Yes

[April Masini]

You definitely need to dial up your boyfriend behavior, and since you are very clear that you need some help with this, you should buy yourself a Christmas present tonight. Download my book, Date Out of Your League, written for men just like you who need some support and hints about being the boyfriend to the woman they want. You can download it immediately here http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html.

This book will give you lots of information you need about how to act around women you want -- and how to do it so that you end up getting them. Let me know, after you read the book, what worked, specifically, for you.

Basically, you have to learn to take charge of the date, and call her on Tuesday to ask her out for Saturday. You need to have the plans set up in advance, and don't leave so much of it up in the air. Tell her you'll pick her up, and don't get drunk! Not on this date.

Read the book, and I'll be very interested to hear how things go once you use the tips and advice in it.

[cutipie91]

SHE DEFINETLY LIKES YOU!!
SHE WNT CALL BACK OR TXT CUZ SHE WANTS U TO TEXT OR CALL BACK
IT WILL JUST MAKE HER FEEL LIKE YOU CARE MORE...
TRUST ME BEEN THERE DONE THAT....I DID THAT WITH ALL MY BOYFRIENDS....
SHE JUST WANTS A LIL MORE ATTENTION =]

[April Masini]

Cutipie91 definitely has a point! Let us know how things go.

[Solo323]

Thank you both Cutipie91 and April Masini for your advice. Sorry I did not get back to you sooner I have been out in the field with the military. I also haven’t gone out with her since either. Although she still returns my texts when I get a chance to text and I have read your book April Masini. I think I did pick up some things that I needed to reform. I defiantly see that she was throwing definite signs out to me. I hope because of my absence for a couple of months with the guard that I haven’t lost too much ground to recover. Any words of advice on how to approach her again after my absent time? Or do you think I may have lost to much time? From what I know of her I think she is worth any amount of time or energy I would invest in her .